Boundaries vs Barriers

Boundaries – often discussed, yet one of the most misunderstood concepts of our modern society. Good boundaries can repair or enhance nearly any relationship, from co-workers to marriage. Bad or no boundaries can ruin any relationship, including the one with our self. Most therapists and counsellors will teach their clients something about boundaries as a part of the therapy they offer, but most people, even with the help of a therapist, don’t use them appropriately.

When used correctly, boundaries help us set limits on what we experience. They help us find our purpose. They let us discover our strengths. They protect us from our weaknesses. They help us define healthy for ourselves. They show us when we need to care for ourselves. They tell us when we have a little extra to give.

My Experience

When I first heard about boundaries, I thought I hit the jackpot! Here was to tool I needed to help me finally get my needs met. I could set up boundaries that would tell people exactly what they could do to help me. I could finally build up a toolbox of rules and guidelines that I could use to stop all the hurt I felt and let me take control of my life.

It didn’t take me long to figure out the MAJOR flaw in my plan. Nobody listened to my boundaries. Oh, my wife heard what I was saying and made a set of boundaries of her own, many of which were counter to mine. My boss and co-workers loved the idea that I was setting up boundaries, but they completely ignored them.

I returned to my comfortable routine of videos games and depression while I brooded over another psychology buzz word that did nothing for me. I was obviously just so fucked up that even this magic key couldn’t help me. Eventually my wife left me, my kids didn’t know how to help me, and my world fell apart.

I sunk deeper into depression and added suicidal intentions to the mix. I kept trying to ask everyone else I knew or met (including professionals like counsellors) to tell me what I needed to fix and each person I asked had a different idea of what I should do. None of them seemed to understand what I was going through.

It was in this mess I had become that I slowly started to find what was missing in my life the whole time. Someone was asking me for help. In helping her try to understand the dynamics of her relationship, I began to set boundaries with myself so as not to become part of the problem in her relationship. We were both vulnerable. We knew each other from working together previously. I had helped her leave her ex-husband. I knew there was a small risk of us getting close in a different way than she was asking for, so I set up some boundaries with myself to keep the discussions and interactions more professional and instructional and less intimate.

This setting boundaries for myself made me feel some sense of self control. When I crossed those boundaries a few times, I didn’t beat myself up about it, instead I added small changes to the interactions with her to reinforce the boundaries. This let me begin to have some confidence in myself again which in turn helped me set boundaries for myself in other areas of my life.

At first, I beat myself up a lot when I crossed the boundaries I set for myself. But eventually I set a boundary for that too. If I beat myself up too much for not holding my boundaries I would give myself a few days of playing video games and watching Netflix (my version of self care at the time) without guilt to help me feel like I could take care of my own depression.

It took a couple years, but eventually I learned to be OK with how slow I was making progress in my dream of writing/helping other men. By the time I found a life coach to help me get my own coaching business going, I had learned a lot about mindset and how our brains work to kill us, and about boundaries. I had learned to set up some significant boundaries with myself, and for the first time in my life I allowed someone else to help me create effective boundaries for myself.

To this day, the boundaries I set for myself are the hardest boundaries I have to set. I find boundaries with others are easy in comparison.

What this isn’t

Boundaries are like the lines on a hockey rink, they tell you when the rules change without preventing anyone from crossing. Barriers prevent entry, like the boards around the rink. You need a door or a gate in your barrier to let someone in.

Boundaries allow someone to cross them. Barriers prevent people from crossing them. If someone neglected to repay money we lent them, a boundary won’t necessarily stop us from lending any money to anyone, that would be a barrier. Boundaries don’t make someone do or stop doing something. That is a request or command, not a boundary. If there was infidelity in our romantic relationship, a boundary won’t prevent us from every loving again, a barrier would do that.

Boundaries aren’t meant to control other people. Boundaries are rules. They aren’t a tool to protect someone or something. They don’t give us the ability to disrespect other people. They don’t give us a way out of a bad situation, laws and policies do that.

You can’t get arrested for crossing boundaries. You don’t break a relationship because of crossed boundaries. You get arrested or break up because of crossed barriers. Sex without consent is a barrier. Killing someone is a barrier. Taking something that isn’t yours without permission is a barrier.

Any attempt to force the actions, words, or feelings of another person is a barrier, not a boundary.

What this is

Boundaries tell us when the rules change. Rather than preventing someone from crossing into our territory, boundaries simply define a new set of rules when they have been crossed.

In hockey, if you cross the opposing team’s blue line (a boundary), you’re offside. You may continue to play, but nothing you do past that point counts. We can shoot the puck anywhere we want to on the ice but if it crosses the goal line (another boundary), it counts as a point. The boards (barriers), on the other hand, are there to not only define the boundaries of the game, but to help prevent the game from going out of bounds. In most cases, we need to use a door or gate to get into and out of the game.

Boundaries in our lives work much the same way. We may set a boundary that defines what happens when someone doesn’t repay the money we lent them. It might put a limit on how much we’ll be willing to lend in the future, or it might simply be that we won’t lend them anymore until they repay the first loan. We are willing to continue letting the boundary be crossed and just change the rules when it does.

Boundaries helps us decide how to react to hurt feelings

Boundaries helps us decide how to react to hurt feelings. We might decide to leave the room or the building and take a set amount of time to process and deal with the feelings involved, or we might have a predetermined response to our hurt that lets us communicate our hurt without putting the blame on ourselves or the other person. They allow hurt to happen and give us a set of rules that let us choose a result instead of letting the hurt choose an irrational reaction.

Similarly, in a marriage, a boundary might define the rules when one person has an inappropriate emotional or physical relationship with another person. It might help us change how we show love to the other person or it might help us decide to seek a therapist or relationship coach. A proper boundary allows us to love again (perhaps even love the same person again) while honoring our own value and the value of the other person at the same time.

Boundaries help us discover our strengths and weaknesses; they help us see where we need more work or help and where we can help others. They show what we want and what we don’t want while allowing others to have some influence in our lives. They allow us to grow and evolve. They let us have relationships with complicated people. They enable us to work in situations we wouldn’t have normally chosen and still excel. They help us define ourselves.

What It Means

Barriers prevent something, while boundaries allow it and change the rules when it happens.

Sometimes we know what the boundaries are that we want, but the problem we may need help with is how to change the rules without putting up barriers. That’s where a therapist or life coach help us see a different angle on the situation.

For most of us, the first person we need to place boundaries with is ourselves

Many of the people I’ve helped want to prevent hurt and they think boundaries will help them do so. I help them deal with the hurt and their fear of that hurt. Only when we are open to our boundaries being crossed are we truly ready to set up boundaries. If it’s safety you need, boundaries aren’t what you’re looking for. Boundaries are a way to define ourselves, not prevent hurt.

For most of us, the first person we need to place boundaries with is ourselves. It’s important to remember, however, that boundaries allow us to cross them and simply change the rules when we do. If you want to change a bad habit, create a good one, or evolve your thoughts or emotions, boundaries can help us do that. Remember boundaries allow themselves to be crossed, sometimes many times, before the desired result is achieved.

If you want to discuss boundaries further or if you’d like some help setting up some of your own boundaries, drop me a line. I can help.

Suicide Too

Same subject, new post. What do you say to someone that has admitted to you that this is a serious thought for them? First, you say nothing. You listen, you listen a lot. It’ll be hard. They may say things that hurt your feelings, but they’re hurting far worse than any feelings they can touch in you. Unless you too are suicidal, in that case, you know what they’re going through and can probably actually help each other.

This part is critical to stopping the actual event. If the person you’re talking to doesn’t feel that you’re listening, or doesn’t believe you care, or doesn’t think you can even understand, he/she may just brush off the seriousness of the issue so you go away. This doesn’t mean they will kill themselves right away, but it does mean you failed at stopping, and reversing, the thought process that might lead to them doing so. You need to listen to understand. Don’t just say “I understand” even if you really do, but show you understand by asking questions, or repeating what they said, or giving them your full attention even when they sit and cry for long periods. What is most helpful for the suicidal person is being that someone that actually cares about what ever is hurting them. They often want to die because they’ve lost hope of achieving something important to them: maybe they lost their ‘One true love’, or they have lost their dream job. Sometimes a lot of smaller failures/losses add up to lost hope for happiness, and other times they feel like their life has been miserable for so long that simply failing to get out of bed or take a shower can push a person passed the point of wanting to continue living. Understand what that thing means to them and help them grieve for it if necessary. The key is to pay attention to what they say and try to understand their pain.

Second, you tell them how much you care. Be sincere here. They won’t believe it anyway, so if you can’t back up your statements with actions, then don’t say them. If all you can do is listen to them and be present with them when your schedule allows, then say that and leave it there. If you can drop everything and answer the phone anytime, day or night, and they might need that, then offer it, but be prepared for them to actually call you at work or in the middle of the night.

Third, help them find help. Most people who are talking about suicide have already looked for help, but found none that made a difference. They may need to you to help them search for services or even do the search for them yourself. Simply suggesting the same things you’ve heard may not be enough, but do it anyway. Although those services seem easy to find on the surface, the suicidal person may have already tried some of them and found them unhelpful. Again, only offer to help them with this if you have the time and ability to do so.

My Experience

When I’ve felt like taking my own life, it has been at times when I don’t see any hope at all or the hope I do see requires me to do something I don’t think I’m capable of; in other words, it seems like false hope. And that hope isn’t always about my own future. Sometimes the thing I want most is for my kids to succeed in a world that has defeated me. Sometimes my hope is based on the world at large finding better ways to help people in need.

When I see the greater world around me making decisions that seem to me to feed fear or increase the separation between those who have and those who have not, I sometimes feel like just ending my life because, at those times specifically, it’s my belief that I will need the skills of a compassionate person to teach me how to reach my goals. In a world full of fear and selfishness, I’m not likely to find someone like that, so my hope in a future where I’m not living in poverty dies – and I want to die with it.

Sometimes I see my kids struggling to survive, but only managing to wriggle themselves deeper into life’s quicksand. I don’t see anyone with the ability to help show enough compassion to support them through the tough spots. That makes me want to die and end the possibility to create more children that I would fail to give the tools they need to thrive. I feel like a failure as a father and as a human being at those times. I just want to stop giving false hope to my kids and hope they can find someone that can truly offer them the support and training they need in order to get through this miserable life.

The darkest times come when I lose hope of finding the help I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with my brain or my life patterns. Most of the time, I spend my time trying to escape my life through video games, deep, philosophical conversations, socialising with like minded people, sleeping, or just doing a lap or two around a local mall to feel connected to the world around me. What am I escaping? My beliefs that I don’t have enough employable skills, that I will never be able to support myself, that I raised my kids without teaching them anything useful, that I can never be lovable, that I will never be a writer who makes any money writing. I spend the vast majority of my time escaping these beliefs. Eventually, I lose hope of ever finding a counsellor, or psych, or other professional that can help me identify the problem and offer realistic solutions. Since I have spent over 40 years trying to find those solutions on my own without making much ground, most of my hope lies in finding professional help. When that professional help has failed me time and again from a double handful of sources, I lose hope of ever having a life with dignity or self respect. When I lose that hope, I want to die.

The things that have stopped me from killing myself fall into two categories:

First there are those I love or feel love from. Those include many of the members of the dance club I’m a part of, many of the members of the writers’ group I joined over a year ago now, my kids, a few friends not from the dance club or writers’ group, and, more distantly, my family of origin. When I want to take my own life, I think of these people. I believe some of them truly do love me, even if they have no ability to help me. Others I love deeply and don’t want to hurt them.

Second, are the people who see the signs and respond. They are some of the people from the first group, the ones who are lucky enough to have made contact with me when I’m feeling suicidal. Not everyone I talked to during these times has responded. I don’t know if that is because they didn’t see the signs, or because they didn’t think they could help, or maybe it was because they saw the signs but didn’t care enough to help. But the people that did see the signs and responded kindly, have literally saved my life on a few occasions. Most of them just connected with me and listened. They heard my hurt. They understood my pain. They cared about my problems. Mostly, they just talked and listened when I needed them most to do so.

Suicide, for me, isn’t a disconnection from people. It isn’t because I don’t think anybody cares. I know they do. For me, I sometimes want to kill myself so I stop taking up resources without giving anything useful back to the world. I want to stop wasting time, money, and space on myself when I don’t believe I will ever have anything to contribute. But, I stay connected, I talk to people that care about me, and I stay alive.

If This Is You

If you’ve been thinking about suicide yourself, please ignore the negativity attached to the words or actions associated with it and seek the help of those around you.  At very least, talk to them. Tell them you are hurting. Tell them why, if you can. Reach out to those services I talked about earlier. There is probably a suicide prevention phone number in your area. If you phone any psychologist, psychiatrist, mental health agency, or 911 and tell them you are considering suicide, they’re obligated to help.

Think about the people you are leaving behind. They may not seem like they care, but they do, I promise. They might not have the time, money, or emotional ability to give you what you need, but they do care. You will hurt them. You might be OK with hurting some of them – that might be one of your motivations – but consider the others that you don’t want to hurt. There are always innocent people effected by someone killing themselves.

Most of all you should talk to anybody that will listen. Start with those closest to you. Talk to your family and close friends, but don’t stop there. I’ve built some very close friendships telling casual acquaintances about my desire to end my own life. I’ve found people that can help in meaningful ways by talking to someone I don’t know very well or just met.

If This Is Someone You Know

It’s worth repeating here what I said at the start. If someone has admitted to you that they are considering killing themselves, you need to stop what you’re doing and listen. If they’re reaching out to you, they haven’t quite given up yet. But that doesn’t mean they’re only seeking attention either. People talk about suicide for a variety of reasons; one of the most common reasons someone might tell you they want to die is because they are hoping you can give them a reason not to.

Many people use this as a manipulation tool to get what they want from you. If you assume that everyone that talks about suicide is only manipulating you, though, you will miss your chance to save a life. The key to the difference is listening. Someone who is truly suicidal will cherish the connection that comes from talking to someone. If they’re simply talking about dying to get something they want, talking won’t be enough.  You should be able to see the difference easily, most people can.

If talking to them seems to calm them a little (it probably won’t make the thought go away all together), then they’re serious about wanting your input. Most of the time, listening to them share their pain and failures is enough to reduce the urgency and buy some more time. Build the connection with them. Be the one they can trust with their deepest hurts. Don’t judge them or give them advice. If you want to help more than just by listening, it requires that you take some action on their behalf. Discuss it with them first to make sure it is something they are open and willing to accept. It is not helpful to just sit back and offer advice, no matter how insightful or brilliant. If all you can give them is time, then listen. If you can give them more, offer to do something with them or for them. Honestly, the more someone does something with me or for me, the more connected I feel, and the less hopeless I feel. Connection prevents suicide.

Some of the things you can do for them or with them is find professional help. Someone who is talking about wanting to die needs more than just a friend, they need to be assessed by a professional. Even is they’re only trying to get attention, they need help. Both, people who really do want to die, and those who use it to manipulate others will be helped by seeking professional help.

What It Means

Suicide is always a serious subject. The more we can connect with people in our lives, the more secure and stable our emotional and mental states will be. The more people we connect with, the higher the chances that we can help when someone talks about killing themselves. Our ability to listen and respond compassionately can save a life. Unconditionally loving someone that talks about suicide will give us the right mindset to be open to what they really need.

When we get to a place in our lives that robs us of all hope in our future, or takes away the one thing we have waited our whole life to get, those are the times we need most to reach out to anyone that will listen the way we need them to listen. If you have the courage to take your own life and leave hurt and pain in your wake, use that courage to share your story. Someone out there will hear it and want to help. Just keep sharing it until you find somebody that you connect with. Share it with that person. Sharing makes it better, believe me.

 

If you or someone you know is considering suicide please call: 911. Also, if this or any article I have written touches you and makes you want to talk, drop me a line and join the conversation.

My Faith

Alright, here is my “faith” post. If listening to me talk about my relationship to God isn’t of interest to you, then there is no need for you to read on. For those that want to understand my view of faith, here it is:

Those who know me personally, know that I am a strong believer in the Christian (specifically Catholic) faith. God has been a huge influence throughout my life. Without Him I would not have found the strength to keep my life going before I met my wife. He is the reason I became a writer, and the reason I keep returning to it when I let my life distract me from it. He has guided me (sometimes with an large hammer or an anvil to the brains) along this hard and often lonely path. He has taught me how to write, what to write, and why to write. He is the motivation behind the articles I write.

 

I don’t want people to associate my observations and advice with any specific philosophy or faith. I believe the purpose God has given me is meant for the general population, regardless of their beliefs. And I especially don’t want someone to disregard my suggestions because they believe it depends on having a faith like my own. It doesn’t. I keep my blog posts religiously universal so that all guys that deal with these things can find help, even or especially those that don’t find any relief in faith.

 

My experience

My faith has always been strong. I’ve believed in God even when most of the people in my life didn’t. It’s never depended on things that happened in my life or what myself or others have experienced.

As a child, God was often the only person I could talk to and feel that he cared. Neither of my parents put much importance in God. We never went to church or had God influences, but neither did they teach us that He didn’t exist. They seemed to just let us believe what we wanted. They encouraged us to wait until we were adults to decide what our beliefs should be. I always thought of him as a loving, accepting, and patient kind of person. It probably stemmed from the idea that God was everything that people should and could be if we were able to be perfect. I didn’t often ask him for things. I would simply feel safe and valued because he always knew what was important to me. If I ever did ask him for something, I would usually ask for strength to endure, or the patience to wait for his plan to take effect.

I would sometimes ask for wisdom to understand why other people acted as they did. When I think about that now, I have always had an understanding of the motivations of other people that went beyond that of my peers. I’ve rarely been able to use that gift to my own advantage though. On the rare occasion that I have been able to use that gift, it’s only been in scenarios that benefited that person.

I guess my relationship with God has always been one of a trusted friend who I could share anything with. I don’t tell him things, he already knows everything about my life. Sometimes I get encouragement from him in the form of tiny happy events that are beyond my control. He also gives me feedback when I ask his opinion.

For example: shortly after my wife left, I started to think this could be a great opportunity to pursue my writing more seriously. I asked God to show me in no uncertain terms if he wanted me to be a writer or not. Over the next couple of days, I searched for paid writing opportunities because “God helps those who help themselves”, in other words, He can’t direct my activities if I’m not doing anything for Him to direct. After searching for a couple days, I found an ad asking for someone to help them write something for their real estate website. The ad didn’t give much for details, but I thought “This sounds easy enough, I’ve written marketing materials for many of my employers over the years and they always seemed to like what I did.” I responded to the ad and continued searching for others. A few days later they responded positively by saying they would like me to do a couple sample articles. If it worked out, they would have over 300 they would need me to do for them. I’ll stop the story there, because that is the point I’m trying to make. I asked God to slap me in the face with his answer. I’m kind of dense when it comes to listening to Him. This answer to my response CLEARLY told me that he wanted me to be a writer. Regardless of how the deal turned out, and it didn’t end up coming to any money, I knew for certain that He wanted me to write. The answer was, however, very specific to the question. Over the next few months of trying, and failing, to make a career out of writing marketing materials, I discovered that His answer was “Yes, I want you to write,” but not “Yes, I want you to write marketing materials.”

This is an important point for this story because many people that I tell this story to say, “If God wanted you to write, why aren’t you making any money as a writer?” My answer is always “Because I didn’t ask if I would make money as a writer, only if that is what he wants me to be.” I firmly believe God will look after, even financially, those who follow His plan for them. I wasn’t following His plan. I interpreted His answer in my own way instead of taking it at face value. I assumed He wanted me to follow that particular writing path. Over the next few months, I tried a lot of other writing ventures I thought He wanted me to pursue. When I started to focus on this blog, that’s when a lot of other things in my life have fallen into place. I now have a large support group who have said directly that they won’t let me “live on the streets and eat out of garbage cans.” I’m still not making any money as a writer, but I’m very much at peace with my professional life. Most of my personal life brings me a lot of peace as well. That tells me that I’m closer to following God’s path for me.

 

The other reason I’ve always had a close relationship to God is because He taught me what unconditional love means and how to give it. He showed me that I have a choice. Through reading my bible and through positive reinforcement he showed me that I can resent, hate, and turn away from the people in my life who have hurt me, or I can love them and even forgive them and try to influence how they interact with me. He has given me the ability to use my gift of understanding people’s motivations to improve both my outlook on life and theirs.

For example: there was a customer that frequented the video game store I used to work at. He was loud and offensive every time he came into the store. I figured that he probably felt lonely and powerless in his life. He used a loud and obnoxious personality to give himself a sense of control. He could understand why nobody would want to be in his life if he pissed them off or made them feel uncomfortable. With that idea in mind I began to bond with him. When there were no other customers in the store I would be almost as loud and obnoxious as he was. I shared crude stories to show him I could relate to him on that level. After I judged that I had created some sort of bond with him I sat him down one day and said “Look man, you are rude and loud when there are other customers in the store. I like you and don’t want to have to kick you out so please tone it down when there are other people in here.” He reacted the same way as when other staff members said something similar – he didn’t listen. But, as time went on, I ignored him when he continued his unruly behavior around other customers and joined him when there wasn’t anyone else around to be offended. He began to crave my friendship even when other people were around. Soon, he started to have normal conversations with me in a normal tone of voice when other people were present. I intentionally responded positively to those polite conversations and even went out of my way sometimes to reinforce this new behavior. Of course, when the store was empty except for him and I, we would resume our usual crude interactions. After a while he even lost the desire to be obnoxious during those times too. I had used the gift of understanding that God gave me to influence (not change, he did that himself) this lonely, obnoxious guy into becoming a kind, helpful and considerate gentleman who would help other customers with his legit experience with some of the games he had played, even to the point of discouraging one parent from buying Grand Theft Auto for their under-age child. That had been completely out of character for him just a couple months earlier. By showing him the unconditional love that staff at my store and numerous others had not done, I had given him a reason to let his suppressed compassionate nature shine through. And it did catch the notice of my manager and the managers of 2 other local video game stores that he had been previously banned from.

God used this lessen to teach me that unconditional love is a miracle that can change lives. I have strived to give that kind of love ever since. Recently, I have been able to give that same unconditional love to my wife of 20 years who left me a little over a year ago for her childhood sweetheart. I have been able to help her feel my forgiveness and show her that I support her newfound happiness. It’s been hard much of the time, but when I started to show her this kind of love, most of my stress and hurt has resulted in some amazing healing. And, for me at least, God is the reason that has happened.

 

If this is you

You believe in God too? Awesome, that gives me warm and fuzzy feelings. Do you struggle with how that should come out in your life? There are many ways to let Him show in your everyday life without seeming fake or forced. Some share their faith by quoting scripture. Try the passages that touched you the most or the latest ones you heard from your faith leaders. Others share their views of God as they see Him or as they have been taught about Him. Many also discuss their faith with others within their church or religious groups. Some people choose their friendships based on their religious beliefs. Still others chose people who don’t share their beliefs because they provide them with a contrast with which they can test or strengthen their own faith.  There are others that simply try to live their lives the way they think God wants them to.

These different methods help us to understand and solidify our values and beliefs. Most people I have talked to don’t agree with everything their church teaches. These different activities help to understand the motivations for those beliefs and allows us to make more conscious choices about our own values.

Whatever you do to share your faith, do so through love and kindness because that is why God sent his son to die for us. Jesus changed how we understand God’s laws so that we would stop using it to condemn each other and start using it to love each other better.

 

If this is someone you know

Please understand that everything God teaches his faithful is designed to help them love each other. However, we are all still learning this and what it means, so please be patient with us as we learn to love those around us. If you know a Christian, please don’t teach him that his beliefs are wrong, misguided, or utterly pointless, because doing so doesn’t provide clarity. Quite the opposite. It makes him doubt both his own beliefs and yours. Yet if you can show him the patience and kindness he is trying to learn, he will learn to love and accept others for their own beliefs, even if they aren’t the same as his. Through his own faith growth, he may learn that what he believes is false and change his mind on his own, but if you try to change it for him, all you will accomplish is discord and distrust in all things. By showing him love and kindness, however, he may decide that your beliefs lead to the life he is looking for, or he may learn to enjoy differing points of view to better understand his own values. Goodness breeds goodness and misery loves company. Please help our Christians learn what love means to you.

What it means

The core behind almost every faith in existence is: what does life mean? To me, God means love. He represents every possible way a person can love someone or something. Although some of his teachings are about different laws and ways to obey his commands, the primary reason for those teachings is to show us diverse ways to love each other and him.

It all comes down to love, and for him, it’s unconditional love. He loves everyone one of us regardless of what we do in our lives; it doesn’t even matter if we believe in him or follow his commands, he loves us anyway. Even if we leave him or do things to intentionally hurt him, he loves us and welcomes us into his house. His love is truly unconditional.

It’s the model I strive to learn and live by. I don’t have to preach or even talk about Him to share my message. For me, it comes out in the motivation for sharing my message, not the message itself. I can offer my experience and suggestions to everyone. The articles I write don’t assume a religious connection of any kind (except this article of course). My faith guides my life, but I want to help as many people as I can, regardless of their beliefs.

 

Dear God, thank you for inspiring me to write this article, and for continuing to bring me back to it no matter how much I tried to avoid it and distract myself. You are my greatest friend and the reason I’m alive.

Amen.

 

Please start the conversation. If anything in here gets you thinking or wanting more, just ask. Myself and God are both listening.

Sick ‘n’ Tired

What does sick time look like when you are working for yourself? Well, for starters, it looks different than when you are working for someone else. Down time of any sort is unpaid time. Sick time is usually unplanned and varies in it’s length and intensity. Each person has a different sickness tolerance level before they let themselves be sick for a while. For a large portion of us, it’s a momentum killer. If you have been trying very hard to get something going, finally hit a stride and start to feel optimistic about the future then suddenly come down with an energy draining, motivation sucking, doozey of a cold/flu, it will often kill any forward motion you have created. Even when you come out of it and begin to feel normal again, the motivation is usually gone.

These are the moments that separate truly successful people from those that are simply lucky enough to have a great start. The person who is naturally motivated, has a great support system of friends and family, or just never gets sick doesn’t know the real struggle that a depressed person goes through. We have to remind ourselves of the reasons we had for doing our thing in the first place. That becomes harder each time we have a setback because we have already achieved the initial high that comes from starting something new. When that high is no longer able to sustain us, and we haven’t seen the huge success that we secretly wanted but knew we wouldn’t get, that’s what tests our true resolve. That’s when most of us fall short. We don’t quit because it stopped being fun or some other random accusation we usually get from our “kick in the ass” support group. It’s because we have a very hard time picking ourselves up when we get stopped by something beyond our control. It seems like nobody cares anyway so what’s the point. This is the point when we need the most encouragement and usually get it least often.

My Experience

It’s been two weeks since my last post. I wanted to make this a bi-weekly thing, but a fever got in the way of that. At least that is the reason for missing the first post. I had written some of my next post before the one week mark, but I let my cold be the excuse for a second time and forgave myself for missing two in a row. By the time is came to missing the third scheduled time, I had to start admitting to myself that I was letting my goals slip through my selfish, procrastinating fingers. I had rethought about the purpose of my blog and decided on a couple evolutionary changes, but thought and planning are pointless without actually writing anything. The difference this time is two-fold. First, what I’m writing about is something others want to know and I have the experience to share it. And second, it’s something I can write in a day or two and publish to my blog, then I’m done with that piece. It isn’t like my novel that will be years in the making before I can even see the end of the project. I can go from concept to published post in a matter of days, usually a week or two from start to finish. My need for immediate gratification is satisfied.

This blog satisfies my need for instant satisfaction because my goal with it is just to contribute consistently. Of course, I have further goals of eventually supporting myself with my writing, but that is still something I’m working out the details for. The goal here is only to be consistently posting. Essentially, I want to make a habit of writing that no other formula I’ve used has done yet.

It comes down to goal setting. At first my goal with my writing was to write something that the world really wanted to consume in such volumes that it would rocket me to stardom and make me enough money that I would never have to worry about it again. It would support my family, put my kids through college and pay for my retirement while still leaving enough behind that it could do those same things for my kids too. Nothing too greedy. Eventually, reality set in. First, I didn’t actually write that much very often. It’s hard to take the world by storm when the story they really want to read is still in my head. I talked about writing far more than I actually wrote. Then, I had to admit that my writing kind of sucked. While I had moments of pure brilliance, by the time they got from my head to the blank page, they seemed more like slightly better fertilizer than the crap around it. That really killed my motivation pretty hard. It was a few years before I could even find the courage to put my fingers on the keyboard again. Eventually I started hearing that I should break my goals into smaller goals. Then I had to translate that into something other than breaking my novel up into chapters and scenes. I’d already tried that and it didn’t give me enough to keep me going. I struck on the idea of short stories. That helped. I wrote a few and even finished three. But then life got in the way again. Other things needed my time, my wife and I fought about what I did locked up in my little writing closet, and I got sick. In the end, I just couldn’t find the point any more.

When my wife left, I decided to try again, this time as a copy writer doing marketing writing for clients. Again, the goal was to use my writing to earn a living. Although I found many clients that seemed to want to pay me for what I wrote, they all ultimately fell through. By that point, I had joined a writers’ group because I really wanted to find a way to make this into a career. After a bout of depression last fall that nearly killed me for the third time, I iterated again and decided to write more of these articles I’d written over the past few months. This turned out to be a good thing because I could do one in a short time and go on to the next one without having to go back again to the old ones.

I’m back to writing again after two weeks of not posting anything, so this just might be the thing I needed to give me the motivation to restart after stalling. Hopefully, I have made my goals small enough that I can feel like I’m reaching them and keep going. Maybe this is the thing that will get me writing on a regular basis.

If This is You

If you have gotten sick and are having a hard time rebooting and getting back into it, this might be a good time to revisit the reason you are writing in the first place.

Is it the money? Are you making enough to keep going? If not why? Most writers find that money is not motivating enough to keep going. It isn’t usually much, if any, for most of us. If you want to write for money, you need to learn what will actually earn money. Most of what you see online to make a living as a writer is other writers trying to sell you their own success plan. While that may work for you, its far more likely that you will simply end up paying their bills but making nearly nothing yourself. The simple truth is that you need to just write, and write a lot, then write some more, and eventully, you will learn what sells and maybe start to earn a living. It’s a long and dedicated process, but a few have made some money this way.

Is it for recognition? Are friends and family enough? Do they even notice? The writer’s I know don’t get a lot of recognition from their friends and families. A few of them get some from their social media networks, but that’s usually because they’ve put a significant amount of time and energy into cultivating their social media for that purpose. You can get recognition as a writer, but you have to put the effort into finding the people that want to read what you write.

Is it to get a message out there? Do you have an audience? Do you know what they want to hear/learn? The hardest part about this purpose is remembering that your content isn’t for you own entertainment or enlightenment. If you have a message you want to get out there, you need to be sure you find the audience that wants to hear that message and that they haven’t already heard it too many times to care. For example: if you are going to write about climate change, make sure you find an audience that agrees it needs to change and that they haven’t already heard enough to desensitize them to the message. If you are going to write about mental health, find an audience that wants the information you are writing about. Then give them information that is helpful to them.

Is it simply because you have an inner need to write that no amount of TV, Netflix, Facebook, reading, or music will ever satisfy? This is usually the easiest one to restart after a bout of sickness. It almost reboots itself as soon as you can sit up long enough to get the words down. These are the natural writers out there. You don’t have to try, you just write. You aren’t trying to please anyone or get anything from your writing. Your writing is an end of its own. The blank page is where you are most at home. Welcome to it and enjoy the ride.

For each of these reasons and others I neglected to list here, you need to remind yourself why you are writing in the first place. If the reason you have isn’t enough to get you back to the keyboard after a setback, then maybe you need to do a little more soul searching and see if “being a writer” is still in there, or if you just put it in there as a way to reach another goal. Either way, the soul searching should help you find what you are really doing here. If you want to keep the motivation going, you need to find something close to your heart that will kick you back into gear once you get back to your ‘normal’ life.

If This is Someone You Know

You have just nursed your spouse back from the dead and they are driving you mad with all the ideas that keep spilling out of their mouth that used to go onto the blank page. This can be a difficult position for you if you, like most spouses, have been trying to keep the household from falling to pieces as your significant other has taken themselves out of the world to make an attempt at the zombie life style for a while. You may have run out of patience days ago. You probably have issues coming up that is their area of specialty. You just don’t have the energy for their neediness anymore. They’re perfectly fine and you need them to just get their shit together and participate for once. But you know from past experience that if you said anything close to that, it would destroy their fragile ego and cause more pain, fighting and dissention than you can deal with right now.

So, what do you do? You pull out the loving kindness they fell in love with and you gently encourage them to get back to the passion that lets them express their inner self in ways that won’t tax your already short temper. You patiently listen to their dreams and quietly assure their insecurities. You stroke their ego just a little. You bake them some reward cookies; they get one for each chapter/article/short story they finish. You help them reconnect with the other writers that have been asking after their health. You remind them why they wanted to write in the first place. Essentially, you become the super support system that so many writers lack. For so many of us writers, our spouses are the real reason we have felt safe enough to pursue this insane passion in the first place. We count on your grounded reality to keep us from floating away on our dreams.

What is Means

Every writer has different ways of dealing with sickness. The secret to getting back to writing when you are better is to know why you write and caring enough about that thing that you will reboot yourself even when you don’t have the normal motivations that go with starting something new. When you find yourself stopped because of a cold/flu, the proof of your passion is what you do with it once you can function enough to put words in writing again. If you find yourself stalled and can’t restart, it’s time to dig deeper and find what you’re really made of. Is “writer” deep inside you somewhere or just a cool idea that you had when you were drunk one afternoon. If you really want to be a writer, this is the point you prove it. Not to your mom or dad, not to your wife, not to your boss, but to you, the one who won’t be convinced by delusions of grandeur. Nobody will be hurt if you aren’t a writer except your inner writer. If this is what you are, dig it up and get to it. Find a reason, find a way.

If this or any other article in my blog has hit a cord with you, write me and open the discussion. I’d love to hear from you.

Why I Write

Because I have words that don’t belong to me. Some people write because they have an uncontrollable need to. Others need to sort out their thoughts. Still more have experience that others want to take advantage of. I have words I have been loaned to me that are meant for someone else. Every writer has a motivation that is their own, and most of us also have external factors that represent some priority to us. But at the heart of every writer is a purpose bigger than the culmination of us, our paper/computer, and our words. The process of writing takes all those things and creates magic. If a writer takes the time to put words on a page, its because they have something to say that needs literary expression.

I used to spend a large amount of time and energy trying to convince people that I had all the answers, that if they would simply pay attention to what I say they would have happier, more productive lives. Sounds unique, right? Yeah, right. That’s what every arrogant person with an inflated view of their own intelligence in the history of arrogance has done all through history. Then one day I realized that all of the wisdom that has survived the ages and has had an influence on our world was written down, not told to whoever could be strapped to a chair across from the wisdom provider. Once I began writing stuff down, I found I no longer had the need to verbally spew my ‘wisdom’ at everyone I met. After one of my gems got on the page, that particular piece of insight no longer wanted to attack unsuspecting bystanders. And the side effect? It’s all there for anyone that actually wants to hear (or read) my ultimate wisdom, forever-ish.

Another format my writing used to take was the stories I would share in social situations where I felt someone else was getting social recognition or coolness factor when they shared their experiences. I would often have a story that I thought related to theirs, but of course, I would add a few interesting details to make my story just a little more impressive than theirs. Sometimes, my truth would be better than their stories. For some reason, though, I never put as much passion or emphasis on my true experiences. They just didn’t seem as cool. Again, as with advice, once I started telling stories on paper, my need to impress others with my creativity in person lessened. I still use my creativity on people, but now its usually in the form of bad dad jokes.

I don’t write to make people listen to me, or to impress people by my creative genius anymore. I tried that for 15 years and kept failing over and over again. I couldn’t even convince myself of my own brilliance; it’s no wonder why people weren’t falling over each other to hear my words of wisdom, or getting in fist fights to hear my story telling. Now, I write about my real experiences. I include the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I try to finish my blog posts with the lessons I learned and how those lessons might help someone else. With the fiction I write, I try to tell stories that have a point of view that isn’t common or isn’t well understood. I’d rather tell the story of the evil wizard or the terrorizing dragon than the night in shining armor.

My blog posts, as you might get if you’ve read my front page, are about reasons and ways to love all the different people in your life. Although I have no training or education in this field, I’ve discovered a huge gap in the self-help/self-improvement market when it comes to men that didn’t start with any advantages. I have seen and read hundreds of articles for, by, and about all kinds of women’s issues. That makes me super happy because women have historically gotten a raw deal for generations, and in many places on the planet, they still are. But when it comes to men, the only stories I hear are “from rags to riches”, or far more commonly “from riches to rags to riches”. The problem I have with almost all of those stories is that almost exclusively those guys had some type of advantage over the rest of us: they either had an education (even if they never used it, they still got to go to college/university), they had a drive/determination that isn’t common among most of us, or they had a support group that kept them going when they wanted to quit. I haven’t heard any advice for guys that start with nothing, don’t believe they can do anything, and don’t have anyone that believes in them. So, I have felt for years that guys like me, and I’ve know a large number of others like me, are basically screwed. I’ve been going to counselling for 5 years and they haven’t done anything to help me in any of those areas. In fact, one of my councillors told my wife that she would probably be better off leaving so she did. I’ve been in 12-step programs and was told “trust in ‘God’s’ plan”. I went to priests and pastors of various denominations, all of whom told me the same thing as the 12-step people: it’s not in my control. I went to shrinks who all told me that my head was probably screwed up (they didn’t actually know for sure) so they gave me drugs. Some professionals I went to gave the same advice they give their female clients: work on yourself, let go of the pain and find some reason to believe in yourself.” All I heard in that advice was “your connections to the world are hurting you, go be by yourself and learn to love yourself” In the end, none of them did a dam thing. Everything I heard required me to have some feature or skill I didn’t have and couldn’t learn the way they were teaching it to me. When I started writing down my thoughts in a blog for others to read, that’s when I started understanding what I was missing. I needed someone to believe in me in a way I was incapable of doing. Much like an editor will see my writing from an outside viewpoint and be able point out mistakes I might not catch, a friend can see good qualities in me that I disqualify or completely ignore.

So why do I write? Because I can share my wisdom and creativity with people that want to hear it. And because, by sharing my experiences, other people might learn what it’s actually like to build yourself up from nothing by learning to love those around you. Looking at the positivity around you really will make you a positive person. Take everything negative you see or experience and, once you process the negative feelings, learn to see the silver lining, even if the silver lining surrounds the darkest and worst things you have ever felt. Learn to accept, process, and let go of the negative feelings, then find, grasp for, and hold on to the positive ones, especially in other people. The expression “turn the other cheek” doesn’t mean turn and walk away it’s more like “turn and offer them the other cheek as well.” If you can learn to let the negative feelings have their place, you can then learn to give some space to the job of loving the unlovable and helping the helpless. This is why I write: so others will see what I have learned about loving others and so that other guys can see what it’s like to build yourself up when you don’t have anything to build from.

If the writing bug has you, or if anything else in this article strikes you, comment, or otherwise drop me a line. I’d love to hear from you.

The Encouragement Gap

We all know someone that needs encouragement. Most of us can also think of someone we admire. But, have you even stopped to really consider the point of view of those people that we disdain or out right condescend? How about from the other side of the picture? I’m sure you can remember times when you have felt the encouragement of the people around you: often when you were trying something new or hard. There’s probably a few among us that have felt the praise of others for the success we have reached. Can you remember the support you got after you had shown you could do something, but hadn’t yet mastered it enough to be recognised for success? In my own life that is the point I have given up on the things I could have been good at.

Can you remember your own children or kids you have known as they learn to do new things? While we see them learning something new or hard, we encourage them to “try your best” and “just keep going”. Once we’ve seen them do it for the hundredth time, we don’t give them the same attention. They might be lucky to get any acknowledgement at all. “Yes dear, that’s a pretty picture,” is the response many kids get while mom or dad doesn’t even take the time to actually look at the 20^th piece of art their child has brought them that day. Worse yet, some people look at the pictures and think, usually to themselves, “There’s nothing there. Why would you praise that? It’s just scribbles on a page.” However, things change again if that same child keeps drawing and coloring and, one day a few years later, they present an accurate representation of their favorite cartoon character. Suddenly that child deserves national attention and a specialised art school where he/she can culture those talents. But have you wondered where that talent came from and how they stayed with it long enough to get that far? Most parents would like to take some of the credit here, but let’s be honest, do you really think “yes dear,” is enough encouragement for a heart hungry for mom and dad’s admiration? Not for a second. Why do you think so few people who have real talent ever develop it? Because “yes dear,” isn’t enough for most of us. God forbid one of those kids actually hear someone call their ‘art’ “just scribbles.” You can almost watch their little hearts crushed under that ugliness called criticism that they don’t even understand.

How about when we notice someone we know has a talent or skill we think is valuable. If we’ve just noticed or they have recently started exploring that gift, most of us are very encouraging. What is your reaction when it’s their 50^th big sale, or their 30^th interesting blog post. I’d be willing to bet that it’s significantly smaller than the first few times. After all, it’s become the new norm. Who recognises normal. Even if each one is slightly better than the last one, we probably wouldn’t notice the difference. Some of us look at someone who is ‘faking it till they make it’ with their talent and we might call them pretentious or arrogant. Isn’t that the point of ‘faking till you make it’? Pretending we are good at something until we actually become good at it? Us artists don’t believe we can do it either, but someone early on told us to ‘keep at it’ and ‘push through’, so that’s what we are doing. That’s why it seems we are pretending, because even we think we are. The recognition returns when a milestone is met, but even that recognition is usually short lived until the person reaches a point that is impressive even amongst their peers. That is when the encouragement and recognition returns on an on-going basis, but by then we are so used to pretending that we still don’t believe the praise.

In my own experience, I’m usually able to find a lot of encouragement early in the process. As I get better at it though, I find it hard to stay motivated because my support group usually loses interest so when I share my achievements, it seems as though nobody cares. I sometimes even hear, “your writing isn’t all that good” or “the subject isn’t very interesting.” Take this blog for example. When people first find out I have it, they are all encouraging and most even read an article or two. Sometimes they will like or comment on them, I might get a phone call from them if they know me personally. But so far, no one outside my writers’ group has even recognised most of the articles I post. This is the hard part that I have to just ‘push through’ according to all the writing advice I’ve gotten. Most of the encouragement I get these last few days is the shallow ‘that’s cool’, kind of comments that carry no sincerity and even less commitment. I know that if I stick with it long enough that I will eventually gain an organic audience that wants to consume my writing. But how does a guy with very little self esteem find the motivation to do something when it seems like few actually care? I feel like I’m hitting the encouragement gap right now. That point where those closest to me have fulfilled the obligation to get me started, but I haven’t reached enough milestones to gain sincere appreciation from my own audience. More to the point, where can you get the motivation to persevere when your support system fails to hold you up?

The answer, for now, is from where ever you can find it. Join a club that you can share that activity with. Most hobby centered clubs I’ve been a part of are very encouraging to all the members regardless of where they are in the journey. I get a lot support from my writers’ group and dance club. I’ve also made some friendships from each one. When I get validation from one of those hobby groups, it feels real and sincere; having friends among these groups giving me that encouragement hits it home just a little harder. I think this is why nearly every podcast I listen to lists writing peers as the greater part of their friendships, because they were the ones to support them when the non-writers in their circles lagged in the encouragement department. Also, the podcasts I listen to feel like another community all together that I can rely on to always be there and be encouraging. The most valuable relationships for this kind of support are the ones the artist doesn’t need to earn.

If you are one of the non-artist types with an artist friend, this is the part where you can be most helpful. Don’t let your encouragement dwindle. In our quest to get better and better we have to make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes our quality will actual drop for a time as we learn the craft of our chosen discipline. Even when it does, keep the excitement up. Be genuinely happy to see what we present to you. Regardless of the end product, we have usually poured our heart and soul into the creation of it, but we never really believe it’s good enough for public consumption (just ask any successful author). The best ones among us join like-minded clubs to practice, get feedback, and improve. What we need you for is pure, plain joy. We share our passions with you because we really want you to appreciate what we have done. We don’t need you to critique it (unless we specifically ask for that, even then it’s best to direct us to a club or group), what we really need from our non-artist friends is unadulterated admiration or, in other words, unconditional love.

We are soft creatures, us creators. We need people that will help us protect our squishy insides from the harshness that is the public. Our best writing comes out when we manage to open our vulnerable hearts to the refreshing air and the healing rays of the sunshine. While we are trying ever harder to get in touch with that pure creativity at our core, we need our friends around us to ensure the air we expose ourselves to is actually clean and pristine, and not the fetid corruption of a waste dump in an industrial area. As each of us strives to let the sun shine on our creative embryo, it’s the job of our peers to provide a little water and shade to make sure we don’t burn up in the brilliance of our pure genius.

All pretty words aside, everyone who is trying to develop a talent needs to feel that they can screw up and still be noticed. That’s where you come in. Encourage them, especially when it seems they are lagging in motivation. Support them when they get past the joyful stage. Be the reason they keep going. You’ll only benefit from it in the long run. Wouldn’t like to say you know someone famous? I know, we’d all rather be famous than just say we know someone who is. But being the reason someone else followed their dream to fruition is a feeling like no other. Even fame and fortune can’t give you that.

If you need some encouragement drop me a line and tell me a little about yourself. If you’d like to help me out, share this post with your social media friends and help me get my message to more people like you. Either way, I’d love to hear from you.

Why Guys Don’t Talk About This Stuff

Is it because we don’t want to or is it because the things we like to do usually don’t leave room for intimate conversations. It’s just not OK to talk about deep feelings at a football game or while knee deep in car parts. But maybe that conversation can happen over a couple beers at a buddy’s house, or during a long drive. Very few people, guys and girls both, are interested in taking time out to ‘just talk’. I can say that because I often tried to initiate those conversations in my marriage and my wife shut them down almost every time. I’m sure it had more to do with how we talked during those conversations than what we talked about, but it seemed we had better conversations when we were both doing some light activity at the same time.

Ponder, for a moment, all the places us guys are and what we are doing in those places. I’m talking about during our ‘free time’ when we aren’t at work or some organised activity that requires our participation and attention. Think about the pursuits we choose to fill our time with. Then consider the types of conversations a person could have in those situations without embarrassing themselves or interrupting the activity. Now, from the other side, consider the conversations that could or often do evolve into one of those. Everything else is the things we talk about all the time – our personal small talk.

But what is it we don’t talk about? Feelings, dreams, and in some cases even our values are things we don’t want to share with all or some of the people in our lives. Or sometimes it’s just that the time and activities we share with people don’t have the right atmosphere to invite certain conversations. Would you talk about your sex life at a child’s birthday party? Most of us wouldn’t either.

Some guys are embarrassed to talk about the problems in their marriage anywhere but at home behind closed doors, but when they’re at home, they’re watching the game or playing video games, or maybe they’re taking a little personal relaxation time before bed. None of those situations leave room for marriage discussions. They might be a little more open to talking during a long drive, especially if it has a destination they are interested in and there isn’t anyone else in the vehicle. They might also be open to discussion during some home renovation project; more so if the renovation was their own idea and they hold the reigns on the project. These types of guys hold privacy in high regard and will often turn off any discussion they believe might make them feel attacked or accused of something. They’d rather repeatedly close you out instead of seeing you hurt or disappointed when you find out they don’t agree with everything you believe. Whether you are a wife needing more communication or a friend wanting to help, a little unconditional love in these situations will gain you entrance into their guarded hearts. That means a lot of patience as they close the door over and over again. If your love for them doesn’t stay constant, they can’t learn to trust you. Keep your love consistent and they will eventually let you in.

Other guys won’t talk to women about their deepest feelings. They hold to the notion that men and women can’t understand each other. That tells them that no woman can ever understand his true feelings and it’s only asking for trouble to expect her to. Some of these guys don’t ever find a relationship that will last because of this. Some of them seem perfectly together and even successful to other guys; many women might find those things attractive in him. The issue comes up if a woman wants to get to know him more personally. He’ll keep things fairly shallow thinking he is talking about his deepest feelings, but what he is actually talking about is usually the things he’ll share with just about anybody. The key with these kinds of guys has two stages. First, if you’re female, ask one of his buddies to get him to talk about some of the things he won’t tell you; not so his buddy can then tell you, but so that the guy in question gets used to talking about the deeper stuff. If you are a guy, try to get him to talk about these things with you in controlled environments with easy distractions. Sometimes it is best to start while you are sharing some common activity like working on a hobby project together. Unconditional love is important at this point because he will often have a corrupted or chauvinistic opinion of women. It’s important not to try to correct or teach him during this process. Remember the point is to get him to open up, not to ‘fix’ him. Stage two is to get him talking with the person he has unsolved problems with, whether that person is male or female. Obviously, he will have an easier time with the issues he has with other guys, but he must eventually learn that the women also want to hear his deep thoughts and feelings even if they don’t understand them.

Still other men believe talking about their feelings is a sign of weakness. Some of them were taught by unbalanced male role models that feelings are for girls and sissies. Others found that when they talked about their feelings only bad ever came from it so they learned that feelings are damaging and need to be locked away. Many of these men believe marriage has one purpose: propagate the species. To them love is logical choice you make when choosing the right partner to produce fine children. These men don’t want to talk about feelings. They won’t admit to having them and they don’t want to hear about yours. In these scenarios, unconditional love can take on a different feel than with other men. Start by sharing light, inconsequential feelings that he doesn’t have to react to and can just ignore. Eventually he might start to change his habits to accommodate those feelings. For example: if you shared that a certain flower reminded you of happy times in your aunt’s garden, he might start buying you those flowers. Eventually you might be able to say something like: “when you touch my neck like that it sends shivers of excitement through my body.” The unconditional love part comes into play by keeping all your negative feelings out of the way until he can share his own hurt feelings with you and feels safe doing so. Once he feels safe sharing his pain with you, then you should be able to start gently talking of things that upset you. Again, as with the positive feelings. Start small and inconsequential.

Some guys have been raised to respect women and treat them like the princesses they are. Many of these men were raised primarily by women and never had the complimenting experience of strong male role models. They either didn’t have many men in their lives at all or the men they did know were not fit role models. They were usually raised by mom; most of their teachers were women; maybe even their first few bosses were women. (I’m one I these) They have no problems talking to women at all. In fact, they put so much of their selves into making the women in their lives happy that most other men either don’t notice them, or those that do think of them as wimpy or maybe even gay in a feminine and condescending way. That often puts undue pressure on women to fulfill all his masculine needs. Nobody can do that for a man, so when the man continuously feels unfulfilled, he seeks fulfillment elsewhere, usually with other women, or sometimes in addiction. The best solution here takes unconditional love as well. The women in his life need to give him the kinds of friendship and caring they would give other men without getting into the ‘fix him’ mentality. You might also encourage him to make friends with other men. It might help to make friends with couples who understand your concerns and can help him open up to the husband of the other couple. Most of these types of men have troubles making connections to other men. Another thing you should do is let him have the freedom to make his own decisions regarding what he does with other men. This will probably take a lot of unconditional love because he will likely experiment with what his thinks men do, and some of those things will not be very loving to you personally or women in general. After all he has never had a male role model to show him what real men act like. My experience tells me, however, that when these men do figure out how to respect women and love them appropriately, they will resume much of the “treat her like a princess” that they had before, but this time with masculine strength and confidence.

In all the cases as well as many other I haven’t talked about, unconditional love is the thing that separates successful relationships from harmful ones. Unconditional love towards these kinds of men can give them the space they need to work out the solution on their own. What none of us needs from any of our relationships and friendships is to be fixed. Love that doesn’t need to be earned or reciprocated is what gives us the space to fix ourselves without the danger of losing those that are most important to us when we make mistakes. We will make mistakes, and some of them will be big, hurtful mistakes. Only a love that allows these men to explore this scary and unexplored frontier will have the flexibility to see him through the other side. The benefits are a loyalty and devotion you could never have imagined.

All these scenarios assume that you are strong and stable enough to provide unconditional love. You will probably need your own support system to accomplish this. For myself, those people I have chosen to love regardless of how much they have hurt me are my strongest relationships. Those friendships that I have lost or gave up are some of my biggest regrets. The men I wrote about here aren’t closed off or broken, they’re simply missing the kinds of experiences that show them where and when to open up about themselves.

If you want to share some of your own experiences or if you have questions about the men in your life, get a hold of me and start the conversation.