Boundaries – often discussed, yet one of the most misunderstood concepts of our modern society. Good boundaries can repair or enhance nearly any relationship, from co-workers to marriage. Bad or no boundaries can ruin any relationship, including the one with our self. Most therapists and counsellors will teach their clients something about boundaries as a part of the therapy they offer, but most people, even with the help of a therapist, don’t use them appropriately.
When used correctly, boundaries help us set limits on what we experience. They help us find our purpose. They let us discover our strengths. They protect us from our weaknesses. They help us define healthy for ourselves. They show us when we need to care for ourselves. They tell us when we have a little extra to give.
My Experience
When I first heard about boundaries, I thought I hit the jackpot! Here was to tool I needed to help me finally get my needs met. I could set up boundaries that would tell people exactly what they could do to help me. I could finally build up a toolbox of rules and guidelines that I could use to stop all the hurt I felt and let me take control of my life.
It didn’t take me long to figure out the MAJOR flaw in my plan. Nobody listened to my boundaries. Oh, my wife heard what I was saying and made a set of boundaries of her own, many of which were counter to mine. My boss and co-workers loved the idea that I was setting up boundaries, but they completely ignored them.
I returned to my comfortable routine of videos games and depression while I brooded over another psychology buzz word that did nothing for me. I was obviously just so fucked up that even this magic key couldn’t help me. Eventually my wife left me, my kids didn’t know how to help me, and my world fell apart.
I sunk deeper into depression and added suicidal intentions to the mix. I kept trying to ask everyone else I knew or met (including professionals like counsellors) to tell me what I needed to fix and each person I asked had a different idea of what I should do. None of them seemed to understand what I was going through.
It was in this mess I had become that I slowly started to find what was missing in my life the whole time. Someone was asking me for help. In helping her try to understand the dynamics of her relationship, I began to set boundaries with myself so as not to become part of the problem in her relationship. We were both vulnerable. We knew each other from working together previously. I had helped her leave her ex-husband. I knew there was a small risk of us getting close in a different way than she was asking for, so I set up some boundaries with myself to keep the discussions and interactions more professional and instructional and less intimate.
This setting boundaries for myself made me feel some sense of self control. When I crossed those boundaries a few times, I didn’t beat myself up about it, instead I added small changes to the interactions with her to reinforce the boundaries. This let me begin to have some confidence in myself again which in turn helped me set boundaries for myself in other areas of my life.
At first, I beat myself up a lot when I crossed the boundaries I set for myself. But eventually I set a boundary for that too. If I beat myself up too much for not holding my boundaries I would give myself a few days of playing video games and watching Netflix (my version of self care at the time) without guilt to help me feel like I could take care of my own depression.
It took a couple years, but eventually I learned to be OK with how slow I was making progress in my dream of writing/helping other men. By the time I found a life coach to help me get my own coaching business going, I had learned a lot about mindset and how our brains work to kill us, and about boundaries. I had learned to set up some significant boundaries with myself, and for the first time in my life I allowed someone else to help me create effective boundaries for myself.
To this day, the boundaries I set for myself are the hardest boundaries I have to set. I find boundaries with others are easy in comparison.
What this isn’t
Boundaries are like the lines on a hockey rink, they tell you when the rules change without preventing anyone from crossing. Barriers prevent entry, like the boards around the rink. You need a door or a gate in your barrier to let someone in.
Boundaries allow someone to cross them. Barriers prevent people from crossing them. If someone neglected to repay money we lent them, a boundary won’t necessarily stop us from lending any money to anyone, that would be a barrier. Boundaries don’t make someone do or stop doing something. That is a request or command, not a boundary. If there was infidelity in our romantic relationship, a boundary won’t prevent us from every loving again, a barrier would do that.
Boundaries aren’t meant to control other people. Boundaries are rules. They aren’t a tool to protect someone or something. They don’t give us the ability to disrespect other people. They don’t give us a way out of a bad situation, laws and policies do that.
You can’t get arrested for crossing boundaries. You don’t break a relationship because of crossed boundaries. You get arrested or break up because of crossed barriers. Sex without consent is a barrier. Killing someone is a barrier. Taking something that isn’t yours without permission is a barrier.
Any attempt to force the actions, words, or feelings of another person is a barrier, not a boundary.
What this is
Boundaries tell us when the rules change. Rather than preventing someone from crossing into our territory, boundaries simply define a new set of rules when they have been crossed.
In hockey, if you cross the opposing team’s blue line (a boundary), you’re offside. You may continue to play, but nothing you do past that point counts. We can shoot the puck anywhere we want to on the ice but if it crosses the goal line (another boundary), it counts as a point. The boards (barriers), on the other hand, are there to not only define the boundaries of the game, but to help prevent the game from going out of bounds. In most cases, we need to use a door or gate to get into and out of the game.
Boundaries in our lives work much the same way. We may set a boundary that defines what happens when someone doesn’t repay the money we lent them. It might put a limit on how much we’ll be willing to lend in the future, or it might simply be that we won’t lend them anymore until they repay the first loan. We are willing to continue letting the boundary be crossed and just change the rules when it does.
Boundaries helps us decide how to react to hurt feelings
Boundaries helps us decide how to react to hurt feelings. We might decide to leave the room or the building and take a set amount of time to process and deal with the feelings involved, or we might have a predetermined response to our hurt that lets us communicate our hurt without putting the blame on ourselves or the other person. They allow hurt to happen and give us a set of rules that let us choose a result instead of letting the hurt choose an irrational reaction.
Similarly, in a marriage, a boundary might define the rules when one person has an inappropriate emotional or physical relationship with another person. It might help us change how we show love to the other person or it might help us decide to seek a therapist or relationship coach. A proper boundary allows us to love again (perhaps even love the same person again) while honoring our own value and the value of the other person at the same time.
Boundaries help us discover our strengths and weaknesses; they help us see where we need more work or help and where we can help others. They show what we want and what we don’t want while allowing others to have some influence in our lives. They allow us to grow and evolve. They let us have relationships with complicated people. They enable us to work in situations we wouldn’t have normally chosen and still excel. They help us define ourselves.
What It Means
Barriers prevent something, while boundaries allow it and change the rules when it happens.
Sometimes we know what the boundaries are that we want, but the problem we may need help with is how to change the rules without putting up barriers. That’s where a therapist or life coach help us see a different angle on the situation.
For most of us, the first person we need to place boundaries with is ourselves
Many of the people I’ve helped want to prevent hurt and they think boundaries will help them do so. I help them deal with the hurt and their fear of that hurt. Only when we are open to our boundaries being crossed are we truly ready to set up boundaries. If it’s safety you need, boundaries aren’t what you’re looking for. Boundaries are a way to define ourselves, not prevent hurt.
For most of us, the first person we need to place boundaries with is ourselves. It’s important to remember, however, that boundaries allow us to cross them and simply change the rules when we do. If you want to change a bad habit, create a good one, or evolve your thoughts or emotions, boundaries can help us do that. Remember boundaries allow themselves to be crossed, sometimes many times, before the desired result is achieved.
If you want to discuss boundaries further or if you’d like some help setting up some of your own boundaries, drop me a line. I can help.