The Rock and the Stone

Coach: Your family is looking to you to be their rock.

Client: But I’m not made of stone.

This is the experience of many men I talk to. They are called to be strong and resilient for their families or their peers. But when they need support themselves, they don’t know where to find it. It’s one of the earliest messages we are taught as children and one of the hardest for us to understand.

“Man up!” “Don’t be a pussy!” are phrases that break down our self confidence in our early life. As we grow up, we are often ridiculed for doing “girlie” things like playing with dolls or joining a dance class. This only gets worse if we want to participate in “feminine” sports like cheerleading or volleyball. Once we start dating, we find that girls don’t want to date “soft” or “sensitive” guys. As adults, these messages are confirmed once again with phrases like “man of the house” or “who wears the pants?”

At the same time, we are taught that being mean, violent, or aggressive is abusive and harmful. We are told to be kind and understanding. We hear voices telling us to let our feelings out, to be sensitive to the needs of others. We see that helping someone else gains us praise. We hear of “narcissists” and “abusers” who only take and never give back.

We want to connect, share, help, and be helped. We want to care for someone and have someone care for us. We want to have a life filled with the joy and happiness we know comes from loving someone and being loved by others.

To many of us, these messages conflict. How can I “man up!” and be kind? How does a guy “don’t be a pussy!” and be understanding? In our young and developing minds, “soft” or “sensitive” is the solution to being a “narcissist” or “abuser.” Yet soft, sensitive guys don’t get dates, so some of us become “narcissists” and “abusers”. As adults, husbands and fathers aren’t taught how to “wear the pants” and be caring and loving at the same time.

What ends up happening for most of the guys I talk to is that they pick one side or the other. They choose to be sensitive and caring, hoping that someone will see the value in being treated like a princess. Or they choose to “Man up” and set down the rules, therefore offering a level of safety the sensitive guys can’t offer. But there is a happy middle ground whereby we can be protecting and kind, loving and strong. The difference is being the rock without becoming the stone.

My Experience

I grew up, like most young boys, being told alternately to be strong and to be considerate. I was never taught what those identities looked like. I believe that was because the people teaching me didn’t know either. I and others like me leaned toward the sensitive side while other guys I knew leaned toward the protecting side. People rarely noticed me and if they did, it was to make fun of me in some cruel way. The protectors, on the other hand, did get noticed – as aggressive. Neither of us had much opportunity to have a girlfriend. Me because they didn’t think I was “man enough” and them because they were “abusive.” Eventually many of us learned how to become more balanced, but that took a lot of failed attempts. Many other guys still haven’t figured that out.

I can remember an ex calling me a whimp and spineless after she got mad at me for not going to her defence when someone called her names in the mall one day. I can remember another one telling me to stop being so mushy. I remember an ex loving my romantic poetry one moment and demanding I “take charge” in the bedroom the next.

The confusion I felt from these mixed messages left me wondering what it means to be a real man. I couldn’t figure out when I was supposed to be strong and stand up for what I believed in and when I was supposed to be supportive and compassionate. I read book after book on men’s issues, addiction, and abuse, some of them Christian, some not. I asked friends and peers. I talked with classmates and co-workers. I attended men’s conferences and faith groups. I tried counselling and therapy. I even tried drugs, both the legal and not so legal kinds. I’ve tried to become an alcoholic so many times I’ve lost count. All these things did teach me many things, but none of them helped me clarify what it means to be a real man.

Then a few years ago, when I started writing about depression and my own journey with issues other men also deal with, I started helping other guys that are also finding this dichotomy confusing. In the conversations that ensued from this new point of view – of helping other guys – I started to see a pattern I didn’t recognise before. Many guys feel weak, some are called weak by the people in their lives, even by their spouses, while others believe they should be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at them. As I started examining this through the relationships they had and comparing that to the stories I’ve heard from so many women who’ve experienced abuse at the hands of a “strong” man, I saw the pattern. For a lot of guys, the choice comes down to two things: being seen as weak or being tagged as abusive. It became clear to me that the problem is we focus on avoiding the negative side of these characteristics instead of creating positive ones. We focus on being made or not made of stone instead of being the rock that others lean on for support.

If This Is You

Are you a guy trying to navigate the balance between strength and compassion, between sticking to your values and choosing to love someone? Do you struggle to know when to be strong, offering your strength in support of someone you care about, and when to show you softer side, asking for help to care for your own needs?

Most of us get it wrong sometimes as we traverse this life. We hold strong to our beliefs when later we believe compassion would have been more appropriate. We make sacrifices in our lives in order to help out a friend in need only to feel used afterward. We show “tough love” to someone who we believe has been enabled too long then see that we only made things worse for them. We go out of our way to do nice things for our spouses only to have them call us selfish or controlling.

We are often most abusive to ourselves. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn was to believe I have always done what I thought was best in the moment, even if the very next moment I wish I’d done something else. The great thing here is, once you start to realise you did the best you could in the moment with the information you had at the time, you can learn to forgive yourself for making mistakes or causing pain when you were trying to help.

The way to be the rock without becoming made of stone is to be strength for some and to look to others to be your strength. While a guy made need to lean on someone for something, they will likely have a strength that can support others. For example, I have a firm belief in the strength of manhood while many people believe that most men either misuse power or refuse to protect those seeking help. Guys call me up looking to lean on my belief in the strength of their manhood because they don’t feel strong as men. Yet many of those men who lean on me have strengths I rely on in areas I feel weaker than I want. This is the way of guys. We lean on each other when we need to and let them lean on us when they need to. In this way, each of us men can then be the rock in our families and hold them up when they feel like they’re falling, protecting them when they feel in danger, and allowing them to come to us with their needs instead of giving them something they haven’t asked for.

Waiting for them to ask us for help is important for two reasons. First, it frees us from being eternally vigilant. If we don’t have to constantly hold them up or protect them from danger, we can embrace, nurture, and grow in our own lives, preventing our own hearts from becoming like stone. Second, it frees them from being controlled or manipulated. Without our constant monitoring them for weakness or danger, they have the freedom to grow and experience life’s greatest joys. That is what being a man really is: being the rock they need when they want it, and having the strength to let them experience life their own way when they don’t, regardless of the consequences to you or to them.

If This Is Someone You Know

If you are in a relationship with a guy that isn’t embracing his manhood in the positive, life-giving way that he could, first make sure you and others around you are safe. Second, understand that he hasn’t figured out how to navigate the often-conflicting instructions us guys are given. Third, realise it isn’t your place to help him figure that out. In a relationship you have one job, to help the other person feel all the warm fuzzy feelings that go with feeling loved.

If he isn’t doing that for you it doesn’t change your job into making him see that. Your only job remains helping him to feel those feelings. If you can’t help him with that because of some damage that was done by you, by him, or by someone in the past, then it might be time to take care of yourself and let him find a way to take care of himself.

If he isn’t taking responsibility for his own life or helping you with the responsibilities in the relationship, your job isn’t to make him take responsibility. Your only job remains helping him to feel those warm fuzzy feelings that show him you love him. If you find you aren’t able to do that because you find yourself taking care of him or making decisions for him, it might be time to focus on taking care of your own needs and let him to find a way to be responsible for his own.

At that point you can continue (or resume) taking care of yourself and your kids of you have them. If, at some future point, you can resume helping him feel those warm fuzzy feelings then by all means do so, and there is no rulebook saying you have to do that. You are allowed to break the ties and go your separate ways. You are also allowed to wait for him to be available to receive your love again. The choice is ultimately yours.

If you have a hard time seeing his emotions or the emotion you see most often is anger, his heart might be becoming or already made of stone. If you don’t know what makes him happy, he may be hiding his joy behind a stone wall to protect it from harm. You’ll know the man you’re with is a rock, however, when you can rely on him to provide you with support and protection when you ask for it and share your life as you experience it your way when you want instead.

What It Means

Whether we chose the protective side or the sacrificial side when deciding what kind of man we want to be, we might misunderstand what being a man is actually all about. When we receive conflicting definitions of manhood, it can be hard to figure out what’s actually expected of us. This is the most common problem among the men who reach out to me for help. When I help them see that their families are looking to them to be the rock solid foundation that the family is built upon, the next thing we usually end up dealing with is how they get the support they want when they need it. The answer is simple, although it can be difficult to find.

Other guys can help hold us up when we feel the weight of our lives pulling us down. This is the reason we crave buddies, man caves, and traditionally masculine hobbies like sports and cars. With other guys to share our troubles with, we can have someone to lean on in the areas we want support in while supporting other guys in the areas we feel are our own strengths. We can be each other’s rocks and feel strength in companionship and community. This is what will enable us to be the rock in our families and relationships without hardening ourselves to the emotions that will inevitably come up.

Another way you can find help is through a professional that deals with men’s issues. Counsellors, therapists, and life coaches, all have different way that they can help guys out with these kinds of things. I’m a life coach who specialises in helping guys with these kinds of problems figure out how to manage their lives and show up for their families in a way that is both supportive and safe. Feel free to contact me so we can talk about how I may help.

What will you choose to be? The rock that your family can trust to hold them up and keep them safe while they go out into the world and experience new things, or the stone that holds himself apart from, and disconnected with, his family, forcing them to protect themselves from you and find other people to connect with. The choice, ultimately, is yours.

Boundaries vs Barriers

Boundaries – often discussed, yet one of the most misunderstood concepts of our modern society. Good boundaries can repair or enhance nearly any relationship, from co-workers to marriage. Bad or no boundaries can ruin any relationship, including the one with our self. Most therapists and counsellors will teach their clients something about boundaries as a part of the therapy they offer, but most people, even with the help of a therapist, don’t use them appropriately.

When used correctly, boundaries help us set limits on what we experience. They help us find our purpose. They let us discover our strengths. They protect us from our weaknesses. They help us define healthy for ourselves. They show us when we need to care for ourselves. They tell us when we have a little extra to give.

My Experience

When I first heard about boundaries, I thought I hit the jackpot! Here was to tool I needed to help me finally get my needs met. I could set up boundaries that would tell people exactly what they could do to help me. I could finally build up a toolbox of rules and guidelines that I could use to stop all the hurt I felt and let me take control of my life.

It didn’t take me long to figure out the MAJOR flaw in my plan. Nobody listened to my boundaries. Oh, my wife heard what I was saying and made a set of boundaries of her own, many of which were counter to mine. My boss and co-workers loved the idea that I was setting up boundaries, but they completely ignored them.

I returned to my comfortable routine of videos games and depression while I brooded over another psychology buzz word that did nothing for me. I was obviously just so fucked up that even this magic key couldn’t help me. Eventually my wife left me, my kids didn’t know how to help me, and my world fell apart.

I sunk deeper into depression and added suicidal intentions to the mix. I kept trying to ask everyone else I knew or met (including professionals like counsellors) to tell me what I needed to fix and each person I asked had a different idea of what I should do. None of them seemed to understand what I was going through.

It was in this mess I had become that I slowly started to find what was missing in my life the whole time. Someone was asking me for help. In helping her try to understand the dynamics of her relationship, I began to set boundaries with myself so as not to become part of the problem in her relationship. We were both vulnerable. We knew each other from working together previously. I had helped her leave her ex-husband. I knew there was a small risk of us getting close in a different way than she was asking for, so I set up some boundaries with myself to keep the discussions and interactions more professional and instructional and less intimate.

This setting boundaries for myself made me feel some sense of self control. When I crossed those boundaries a few times, I didn’t beat myself up about it, instead I added small changes to the interactions with her to reinforce the boundaries. This let me begin to have some confidence in myself again which in turn helped me set boundaries for myself in other areas of my life.

At first, I beat myself up a lot when I crossed the boundaries I set for myself. But eventually I set a boundary for that too. If I beat myself up too much for not holding my boundaries I would give myself a few days of playing video games and watching Netflix (my version of self care at the time) without guilt to help me feel like I could take care of my own depression.

It took a couple years, but eventually I learned to be OK with how slow I was making progress in my dream of writing/helping other men. By the time I found a life coach to help me get my own coaching business going, I had learned a lot about mindset and how our brains work to kill us, and about boundaries. I had learned to set up some significant boundaries with myself, and for the first time in my life I allowed someone else to help me create effective boundaries for myself.

To this day, the boundaries I set for myself are the hardest boundaries I have to set. I find boundaries with others are easy in comparison.

What this isn’t

Boundaries are like the lines on a hockey rink, they tell you when the rules change without preventing anyone from crossing. Barriers prevent entry, like the boards around the rink. You need a door or a gate in your barrier to let someone in.

Boundaries allow someone to cross them. Barriers prevent people from crossing them. If someone neglected to repay money we lent them, a boundary won’t necessarily stop us from lending any money to anyone, that would be a barrier. Boundaries don’t make someone do or stop doing something. That is a request or command, not a boundary. If there was infidelity in our romantic relationship, a boundary won’t prevent us from every loving again, a barrier would do that.

Boundaries aren’t meant to control other people. Boundaries are rules. They aren’t a tool to protect someone or something. They don’t give us the ability to disrespect other people. They don’t give us a way out of a bad situation, laws and policies do that.

You can’t get arrested for crossing boundaries. You don’t break a relationship because of crossed boundaries. You get arrested or break up because of crossed barriers. Sex without consent is a barrier. Killing someone is a barrier. Taking something that isn’t yours without permission is a barrier.

Any attempt to force the actions, words, or feelings of another person is a barrier, not a boundary.

What this is

Boundaries tell us when the rules change. Rather than preventing someone from crossing into our territory, boundaries simply define a new set of rules when they have been crossed.

In hockey, if you cross the opposing team’s blue line (a boundary), you’re offside. You may continue to play, but nothing you do past that point counts. We can shoot the puck anywhere we want to on the ice but if it crosses the goal line (another boundary), it counts as a point. The boards (barriers), on the other hand, are there to not only define the boundaries of the game, but to help prevent the game from going out of bounds. In most cases, we need to use a door or gate to get into and out of the game.

Boundaries in our lives work much the same way. We may set a boundary that defines what happens when someone doesn’t repay the money we lent them. It might put a limit on how much we’ll be willing to lend in the future, or it might simply be that we won’t lend them anymore until they repay the first loan. We are willing to continue letting the boundary be crossed and just change the rules when it does.

Boundaries helps us decide how to react to hurt feelings

Boundaries helps us decide how to react to hurt feelings. We might decide to leave the room or the building and take a set amount of time to process and deal with the feelings involved, or we might have a predetermined response to our hurt that lets us communicate our hurt without putting the blame on ourselves or the other person. They allow hurt to happen and give us a set of rules that let us choose a result instead of letting the hurt choose an irrational reaction.

Similarly, in a marriage, a boundary might define the rules when one person has an inappropriate emotional or physical relationship with another person. It might help us change how we show love to the other person or it might help us decide to seek a therapist or relationship coach. A proper boundary allows us to love again (perhaps even love the same person again) while honoring our own value and the value of the other person at the same time.

Boundaries help us discover our strengths and weaknesses; they help us see where we need more work or help and where we can help others. They show what we want and what we don’t want while allowing others to have some influence in our lives. They allow us to grow and evolve. They let us have relationships with complicated people. They enable us to work in situations we wouldn’t have normally chosen and still excel. They help us define ourselves.

What It Means

Barriers prevent something, while boundaries allow it and change the rules when it happens.

Sometimes we know what the boundaries are that we want, but the problem we may need help with is how to change the rules without putting up barriers. That’s where a therapist or life coach help us see a different angle on the situation.

For most of us, the first person we need to place boundaries with is ourselves

Many of the people I’ve helped want to prevent hurt and they think boundaries will help them do so. I help them deal with the hurt and their fear of that hurt. Only when we are open to our boundaries being crossed are we truly ready to set up boundaries. If it’s safety you need, boundaries aren’t what you’re looking for. Boundaries are a way to define ourselves, not prevent hurt.

For most of us, the first person we need to place boundaries with is ourselves. It’s important to remember, however, that boundaries allow us to cross them and simply change the rules when we do. If you want to change a bad habit, create a good one, or evolve your thoughts or emotions, boundaries can help us do that. Remember boundaries allow themselves to be crossed, sometimes many times, before the desired result is achieved.

If you want to discuss boundaries further or if you’d like some help setting up some of your own boundaries, drop me a line. I can help.

The Squishy Insides Analogy

This analogy states that behind all our armor and shells lay the squishy insides of our heart and soul.

Our squishy insides are shapeless, or rather they can formed to what ever shape we choose or is chosen for us by hurt, pain, or trauma. Imagine a balloon full of water in a weightless environment. We can fit our squishiness into any container (identity, paradigm) we want. As long as the container has enough volume to fit our whole self into it, we can become that new shape. Sometimes the container will be too small but we want to fit into it anyway (we’ve outgrown that identity or paradigm or it didn’t have space for all for everything we value), so only part of us fits into the container and we ignore that part of ourselves that isn’t in the container.

The skin that holds our squishy insides together is very strong. There is very little that can pierce or cut it. In fact, the only way anything can get through the skin of our squishy insides is if we ourselves embrace that thing (we stop believing we can live); even then, it takes a huge amount of commitment on our part (we believe unconditionally) before we can pierce that skin and release our squishiness to the ether (let ourselves die). Nothing can pierce the skin of our soul unless we let it (we don’t die until we give up on life)

We usually don’t believe our skin is that strong because it doesn’t stop things from hurting us. That’s because we misunderstand the purpose of our skin. It’s purpose isn’t to prevent us from being hurt, it’s only purpose is to give us the choice of when we die.

We hide our squishy insides behind armor and shells in order to get our needs met, or protect our squishy insides from the hurts of the world. When we are born we have no shells, no armor.

As we grow we start to define ourselves based on our environment. We start to mold ourselves into various shapes trying out which ones help us get our needs met. When we find something that gets our needs met, we try that shape again a few more times. If that shape continues to help us, we build a shell (a personality) of that shape. In the early years, we find many different shapes to help us get our needs met and we build shells for each one. Shells help define who we are to the outside world without the world having to experience everything we’ve experienced. Some shells might look like “The smart kid,” or “The well behaved kid,” or “The kid that never gives up.” Still others might look like “The difficult kid,” for “The always under foot kid,” or “The rebellious kid.”

When we experience emotions as children we release them to the world and experience the reactions of the world. Over time we decide we don’t always like the reactions of the world. Sometimes those reactions cause more emotions, sometimes they do nothing at all. As we develop shells, we find some emotions help form those shells and other emotions are destructive to them. The ones we find don’t help us build shells get bottled up in our squishy insides. Sometimes we intend to deal with them later, often when we put on a shell we deem appropriate for the emotion in question. Sometimes we just leave them there hoping they will just dissolve and disappear.

In our teen years, we refine these shells into images that help us fit in with our peers. We combine a few, change a few others, and discard still others. We might even create altogether new shells, all in the quest to find our place in the world. Our biggest needs in this stage of our lives are all related to connection. Shells here might look like: “The smart guy,” “The popular girl,” “The rich kid.” We embrace these shells even as they limit our ability to connect because they allow us to represent ourselves to the world without requiring us to overly vulnerable to every person we meet. We learn to live within these shells so we can “belong” to a certain part of the world around us.

In this stage we often chose our shells based on their ability to handle the emotions we’re feeling. Our shells give us a way to release some of our emotions to the world around us in a safe manner with predictable results. Those emotions we don’t release get bottled up with the rest. For some of us, these emotions can become overwhelming in this stage of our lives. The negative ones are heavy and weigh us down. An abundance of these can cause us to wear the negative shells more often than usual. The positive ones are lighter than air and lift us up. Too many of these bottled up in our squishy insides can cause us to live in a dream world where our needs get met without us having to do anything. The struggle here for many teens is knowing which shells to wear when and having the right kinds of shells to allow us to safely express as many of our emotions as possible.

It’s also at this stage of our lives that we start to develop armor around our squishy insides and our shells. These armors are created through hardened emotions. They prevent people from getting close enough to attack our shells thereby piercing through to our squishy insides. The most common of these armor layers is anger, others could be loneliness, resentment, arrogance, cockiness, intimidation, sadness, humor, and very many others. Most of us shape these armors to fit over top of our shells like a glove on our hands. We often have different armors to fit over different shells. For example: “The rich kid” might wear an arrogance armor, while the same person’s “The smart guy” shell might be covered in a humor armor. The armor we create from hardened emotions allows us to enter the wide world of scary situations with some confidence that most of the hurt in the world won’t reach us.

Our adult years are usually just extensions of what we experienced as teenagers. We continue to refine and define our shells while relying on our armor to protect us from most harm in the world. We find comfort in our shells and we learn to trust our armor. It’s only when we meet people we really want to connect with that we might begin to see that these defenses might actually be hindering us. Some of us never learn that on our own.

At some point in our adult years we might feel “empty” or like “there’s something more.” We yearn for purpose or distinction. We may start to consider our legacy. We might wonder “why am I here?” Maybe we lost something or someone important in our lives and we wonder “is this all there is?” it’s at this stage that we might start to look inside ourselves, looking for something to define ourselves that goes deeper than our shells and our armor. It’s here where a few of us find our purpose. Our purpose is in clay jar inside our squishy insides. It has been absorbing all of our unprocessed emotions and unmet needs. Our purpose is permeable and requires connection to release it’s energy into the world.

The problem with shells and armors are that they prevent anyone from seeing the “real you” inside our squishy insides. It’s in the squishy insides that we bury our hurts and pain, but it’s also where our joy and love lives. Next to those things lies our purpose, our destiny if you will, the thing we are on this planet to do. If we never remove our armor, we can never reveal our shells. If we never remove our shells, we can never truly touch someone else in the place where their needs are kept safe from harm. If we don’t show someone our squishy insides, we can never truly connect with another real person. And without connection, we shrivel up and become as nothing until we chose to be nothing and die. Through connecting with the squishy insides of other people, we can share those feelings, and by sharing them, we can experience the real benefits of this human experience.

If we were to touch the armor of other people with the glass bottles containing our deepest emotions, those bottles would break, spilling our emotions all over the place. Depending on the severity of the break and the size of the bottles, those emotions could be spilling out all over everyone around us for days or years. On the flip side, if someone reaches out to us with their own glass bottles of emotions, if we have our armor or our shells on, those glass bottles will break against our hardened armor or our perfectly formed shells.

Only by connecting our squishy insides to the squishy insides of other people can we share the burden of our hurts and pains, or help elevate others with our love and joy. Only by touching the clay jar containing our purpose can that purpose spread its energy out into the world and cause the change it was created for. If we remove our armor and our shells for people we want to connect with, we can cradle anything that they give us with the tender care they need, even if they throw they glass bottle of emotion at us, our squishy insides can catch and cradle it like a swaddled baby. That is how we truly connect and support each other.

I’m not saying we should discard all of our shells and armor. We might still want those to protect us from the dangers of the wider world. What I’m saying is that real connection only happens when we open our squishy insides to the glass bottles of other people and offer our glass bottles to them trusting that they will receive the with their own squishy insides.

If you wan to discuss your own squishiness or share your glass bottles with me, drop me a line and join the conversation.

Charity

What does it mean to give to charity? What about giving to someone you know or meet who has unfulfilled needs? Should you or shouldn’t you help those less fortunate than yourself? What can you give? Why might you choose to give?

Charity and giving comes in all shapes and sizes. You might know someone personally who could use a helping hand or a little kindness. Sometimes you identify with a situation of need that touches your heart and you want to help however you can. Other times it feels as though someone is just reaching for money or volunteers and you just don’t think they need them. Some people want to help those in third world countries who struggle to have clean water or decent health care. Still other people would rather care for the homeless or addicts in their home towns. Most of us find it harder to help those we know personally because we know something about their situation and, for a variety of reasons, feel unable or unwilling to help.

My Experience

One of the disagreements my ex-wife and I used to have was how to fulfil our desire and obligation to give to charity. She was often concerned about money, so she didn’t think we could afford to give much. She made up for that by helping with various functions or volunteer opportunities. I, on the other hand, value my own time and didn’t like how much of it volunteering required of me. I wanted to give money so I didn’t have to actively participate. Both of us wanted to help our community or the rest of the world, in various ways, but each of us had different ideas about what it should look like. The truth is, both of us helped in important ways.

Since she left, my kids grew up and moved out, and I lost my job, I’ve had a lot more free time and a limited budget so giving time lets me participate in my community. It’s also helped me to find and expand my comfort zone. It’s not always been a bed of roses, but I’ve learned what time and effort can do that no amount of money can ever replace. For one thing, the people I’ve gotten to interact with have given me some incredible memories. I’ve had the pleasure of working with some amazing people I wouldn’t have likely associated with socially or professionally simply because of differences in lifestyles.

Another thing I’ve tried to give more of is unconditional love. What that means to me is a few things. First of all, it means I don’t get to judge anyone for the decisions they make. There are many people I think should have said or done something differently to get the results they want, but I don’t know the story, hurt, or values behind their decisions, so judging them would only be selfish and inconsiderate. Unconditional love means I will allow them to make their own mistakes and help only when they ask for it. Second, when someone hurts me or those I love, unconditional love forces me to forgive them in order to feel the hurt, process those feelings, and move on. It doesn’t mean I should forget what they did or act like it never happened. It only means I take the steps I need to for my own healing and don’t let them dictate my feelings or actions by their actions. Lastly, loving those around me without judgement is an act of charity that doesn’t take time or money and can make a huge difference in someone’s life.

 

If this is you

Charity can give you the chance to make a difference in the world at large without being a millionaire or a celebrity. If you have enough money to make ends meet, consider what a small dent in your budget can do for someone who doesn’t have enough. Either through a non-profit organisation, or getting together with a few friends to help some local people. Both options have plenty of opportunity for volunteering possibilities as well if time is something you can spare a little of.

Don’t underestimate the positive power of loving kindness. A sincere smile at a stranger can change the course of their day and cause a ripple effect that could echo far beyond the people you meet. More importantly, though, is the power of helping the people you know out of personal trouble. Many of us turn a blind eye when someone we know is experiencing personal financial trouble. We find it easier to help someone we know with emotional issues than almost any other problem they may have. There is a good chance, however, you know someone who is short of money on a regular basis. Many of us find it much harder to help with financial problems, often because we see what causes the problem and how to fix it. We judge they have made mistakes and they must learn from those mistakes. What we don’t often consider is they might not see the same things we do and they may even know something we don’t. Either way, the mistakes we see might actually be the best those people are currently capable of and their financial situation can actually make it harder to deal with their own issues instead of teaching them to take responsibility for them.

Yet another situation we often overlook personally is helping people, especially children, who have limited physical or mental abilities. We often find it easier to help someone we don’t already know. Contributing time and money to the organisations that help people with disabilities is an important way to keep those groups helping people. For those of you who are able, though, personal interaction means so much more to these people and to the ones who care for them. Since so many of us have a hard time connecting with someone with special needs, often because they have specific ‘special needs’, most of these people lack the same kinds of personal friendships the rest of us have access to. Those of us who are able to spend quality time with someone who has disabilities can make a real difference. The love they have to share will be the purest you are likely to ever see.

 

If this is someone you know

Do you know someone who can’t make ends meet? What about a friend or family member who just can’t seem to get their shit together? How many people do you know personally who have utilised a public or non-profit agency to help themselves through a tough point in their life? When should we take responsibility for helping the people we know with the problems they can’t seem to solve on their own? How, when, and why should we help them? At what point do we need to distance ourselves from the people we know because they have become a negative drain on our resources? These are the questions all of us are faced with many times in our lives. We’ve all known someone who couldn’t pay their bills, had health issues they didn’t know how to handle, or lost their lust for life. How we deal with these situations is what defines our true character.

Most of us rely on old sayings and standardised attitudes to decide how to deal with these situations instead of really thinking about what each of us could personally do to help those we know and love out of a tough spot. Words like narcissist, lazy, selfish, or enabler usually serve to reinforce the negative self image of the person in need rather than forcing them to face their problems and deal with them. Instead of tagging then with a cliché stereotype and avoiding the real issues, try setting up appropriate boundaries to protect yourself and offering sincere help with the problems they can’t handle on their own. You’ll likely find the person/people you are helping will make practical progress. Better yet, you’ll probably help them see themselves as valuable human beings who have something to offer and that can set them up to start solving their own problems with solutions they can do themselves.

Charity isn’t something we should give to everyone all the time. There are circumstances when offering charity is not the best choice. One of these is when you don’t really understand the struggles of the people in need. If you don’t know what they need help with, you probably aren’t going to do much good helping them. Another scenario that could make charity inappropriate is when you lack the resources required. If you don’t have the time, money, or compassion needed to address the problem then giving those things might end up putting you into need of someone else’s charity.

What it means

Giving is one of the best ways to make our world a better place and increase the amount of happiness circulating our globe. It makes us feel good, and creates miracles that can’t happen on their own. It can, however, be confusing to know what and how to help others in our world of tightening limitations. The most basic ways to give are to help a friend in need. But don’t leave out the charities and non-profits in your area, they help the people who don’t have personal support groups.

I’d like to see us all reverse the trend toward helping strangers instead of those we know personally. No one has a better chance of helping someone out than the people who know something about his/her circumstances. If we helped out the people in our lives more often, the public and non-profit organisations would be needed less and could offer more personalised solutions to those they do help. Besides, you will never know how grateful someone can be until you help them push their lives in a positive direction.

If you have any questions about charity and giving, drop me a line and ask. I love the conversations.

Suicide Too

Same subject, new post. What do you say to someone that has admitted to you that this is a serious thought for them? First, you say nothing. You listen, you listen a lot. It’ll be hard. They may say things that hurt your feelings, but they’re hurting far worse than any feelings they can touch in you. Unless you too are suicidal, in that case, you know what they’re going through and can probably actually help each other.

This part is critical to stopping the actual event. If the person you’re talking to doesn’t feel that you’re listening, or doesn’t believe you care, or doesn’t think you can even understand, he/she may just brush off the seriousness of the issue so you go away. This doesn’t mean they will kill themselves right away, but it does mean you failed at stopping, and reversing, the thought process that might lead to them doing so. You need to listen to understand. Don’t just say “I understand” even if you really do, but show you understand by asking questions, or repeating what they said, or giving them your full attention even when they sit and cry for long periods. What is most helpful for the suicidal person is being that someone that actually cares about what ever is hurting them. They often want to die because they’ve lost hope of achieving something important to them: maybe they lost their ‘One true love’, or they have lost their dream job. Sometimes a lot of smaller failures/losses add up to lost hope for happiness, and other times they feel like their life has been miserable for so long that simply failing to get out of bed or take a shower can push a person passed the point of wanting to continue living. Understand what that thing means to them and help them grieve for it if necessary. The key is to pay attention to what they say and try to understand their pain.

Second, you tell them how much you care. Be sincere here. They won’t believe it anyway, so if you can’t back up your statements with actions, then don’t say them. If all you can do is listen to them and be present with them when your schedule allows, then say that and leave it there. If you can drop everything and answer the phone anytime, day or night, and they might need that, then offer it, but be prepared for them to actually call you at work or in the middle of the night.

Third, help them find help. Most people who are talking about suicide have already looked for help, but found none that made a difference. They may need to you to help them search for services or even do the search for them yourself. Simply suggesting the same things you’ve heard may not be enough, but do it anyway. Although those services seem easy to find on the surface, the suicidal person may have already tried some of them and found them unhelpful. Again, only offer to help them with this if you have the time and ability to do so.

My Experience

When I’ve felt like taking my own life, it has been at times when I don’t see any hope at all or the hope I do see requires me to do something I don’t think I’m capable of; in other words, it seems like false hope. And that hope isn’t always about my own future. Sometimes the thing I want most is for my kids to succeed in a world that has defeated me. Sometimes my hope is based on the world at large finding better ways to help people in need.

When I see the greater world around me making decisions that seem to me to feed fear or increase the separation between those who have and those who have not, I sometimes feel like just ending my life because, at those times specifically, it’s my belief that I will need the skills of a compassionate person to teach me how to reach my goals. In a world full of fear and selfishness, I’m not likely to find someone like that, so my hope in a future where I’m not living in poverty dies – and I want to die with it.

Sometimes I see my kids struggling to survive, but only managing to wriggle themselves deeper into life’s quicksand. I don’t see anyone with the ability to help show enough compassion to support them through the tough spots. That makes me want to die and end the possibility to create more children that I would fail to give the tools they need to thrive. I feel like a failure as a father and as a human being at those times. I just want to stop giving false hope to my kids and hope they can find someone that can truly offer them the support and training they need in order to get through this miserable life.

The darkest times come when I lose hope of finding the help I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with my brain or my life patterns. Most of the time, I spend my time trying to escape my life through video games, deep, philosophical conversations, socialising with like minded people, sleeping, or just doing a lap or two around a local mall to feel connected to the world around me. What am I escaping? My beliefs that I don’t have enough employable skills, that I will never be able to support myself, that I raised my kids without teaching them anything useful, that I can never be lovable, that I will never be a writer who makes any money writing. I spend the vast majority of my time escaping these beliefs. Eventually, I lose hope of ever finding a counsellor, or psych, or other professional that can help me identify the problem and offer realistic solutions. Since I have spent over 40 years trying to find those solutions on my own without making much ground, most of my hope lies in finding professional help. When that professional help has failed me time and again from a double handful of sources, I lose hope of ever having a life with dignity or self respect. When I lose that hope, I want to die.

The things that have stopped me from killing myself fall into two categories:

First there are those I love or feel love from. Those include many of the members of the dance club I’m a part of, many of the members of the writers’ group I joined over a year ago now, my kids, a few friends not from the dance club or writers’ group, and, more distantly, my family of origin. When I want to take my own life, I think of these people. I believe some of them truly do love me, even if they have no ability to help me. Others I love deeply and don’t want to hurt them.

Second, are the people who see the signs and respond. They are some of the people from the first group, the ones who are lucky enough to have made contact with me when I’m feeling suicidal. Not everyone I talked to during these times has responded. I don’t know if that is because they didn’t see the signs, or because they didn’t think they could help, or maybe it was because they saw the signs but didn’t care enough to help. But the people that did see the signs and responded kindly, have literally saved my life on a few occasions. Most of them just connected with me and listened. They heard my hurt. They understood my pain. They cared about my problems. Mostly, they just talked and listened when I needed them most to do so.

Suicide, for me, isn’t a disconnection from people. It isn’t because I don’t think anybody cares. I know they do. For me, I sometimes want to kill myself so I stop taking up resources without giving anything useful back to the world. I want to stop wasting time, money, and space on myself when I don’t believe I will ever have anything to contribute. But, I stay connected, I talk to people that care about me, and I stay alive.

If This Is You

If you’ve been thinking about suicide yourself, please ignore the negativity attached to the words or actions associated with it and seek the help of those around you.  At very least, talk to them. Tell them you are hurting. Tell them why, if you can. Reach out to those services I talked about earlier. There is probably a suicide prevention phone number in your area. If you phone any psychologist, psychiatrist, mental health agency, or 911 and tell them you are considering suicide, they’re obligated to help.

Think about the people you are leaving behind. They may not seem like they care, but they do, I promise. They might not have the time, money, or emotional ability to give you what you need, but they do care. You will hurt them. You might be OK with hurting some of them – that might be one of your motivations – but consider the others that you don’t want to hurt. There are always innocent people effected by someone killing themselves.

Most of all you should talk to anybody that will listen. Start with those closest to you. Talk to your family and close friends, but don’t stop there. I’ve built some very close friendships telling casual acquaintances about my desire to end my own life. I’ve found people that can help in meaningful ways by talking to someone I don’t know very well or just met.

If This Is Someone You Know

It’s worth repeating here what I said at the start. If someone has admitted to you that they are considering killing themselves, you need to stop what you’re doing and listen. If they’re reaching out to you, they haven’t quite given up yet. But that doesn’t mean they’re only seeking attention either. People talk about suicide for a variety of reasons; one of the most common reasons someone might tell you they want to die is because they are hoping you can give them a reason not to.

Many people use this as a manipulation tool to get what they want from you. If you assume that everyone that talks about suicide is only manipulating you, though, you will miss your chance to save a life. The key to the difference is listening. Someone who is truly suicidal will cherish the connection that comes from talking to someone. If they’re simply talking about dying to get something they want, talking won’t be enough.  You should be able to see the difference easily, most people can.

If talking to them seems to calm them a little (it probably won’t make the thought go away all together), then they’re serious about wanting your input. Most of the time, listening to them share their pain and failures is enough to reduce the urgency and buy some more time. Build the connection with them. Be the one they can trust with their deepest hurts. Don’t judge them or give them advice. If you want to help more than just by listening, it requires that you take some action on their behalf. Discuss it with them first to make sure it is something they are open and willing to accept. It is not helpful to just sit back and offer advice, no matter how insightful or brilliant. If all you can give them is time, then listen. If you can give them more, offer to do something with them or for them. Honestly, the more someone does something with me or for me, the more connected I feel, and the less hopeless I feel. Connection prevents suicide.

Some of the things you can do for them or with them is find professional help. Someone who is talking about wanting to die needs more than just a friend, they need to be assessed by a professional. Even is they’re only trying to get attention, they need help. Both, people who really do want to die, and those who use it to manipulate others will be helped by seeking professional help.

What It Means

Suicide is always a serious subject. The more we can connect with people in our lives, the more secure and stable our emotional and mental states will be. The more people we connect with, the higher the chances that we can help when someone talks about killing themselves. Our ability to listen and respond compassionately can save a life. Unconditionally loving someone that talks about suicide will give us the right mindset to be open to what they really need.

When we get to a place in our lives that robs us of all hope in our future, or takes away the one thing we have waited our whole life to get, those are the times we need most to reach out to anyone that will listen the way we need them to listen. If you have the courage to take your own life and leave hurt and pain in your wake, use that courage to share your story. Someone out there will hear it and want to help. Just keep sharing it until you find somebody that you connect with. Share it with that person. Sharing makes it better, believe me.

 

If you or someone you know is considering suicide please call: 911. Also, if this or any article I have written touches you and makes you want to talk, drop me a line and join the conversation.

Personal Energy

Personal energy is a commodity just like electricity or gasoline. It needs to be managed in much the same way. Sometimes it can be bought or sold. You may give or receive it as a gift. Personal energy is harder to measure. It takes an awareness of oneself that most people don’t have. Those who have that understanding of themselves will tell you that their energy levels become more manageable as they become more self aware.

I have discovered four kinds of personal energy within myself. This doesn’t mean there aren’t others or that my list is universal for all people. It’s my experience. They are: mental energy, emotional energy, physical energy, and social energy. Mental energy is my ability to focus or concentrate on something. I expend emotional energy to process my feelings and reactions to things. Physical energy is self explanatory, it’s the energy I use to make my body do things. Social is about community. It’s what connects me to others. I expend social energy to build, strengthen, and let go of connections to people.

My Experience

For most of my life, I believed I was broken because I couldn’t understand why sometimes I could do an activity for hours and other days I had virtually no interest in participating in it. Other times I would be invited to some kind of function, but the idea of going made me feel exhausted, yet I would often spend hours doing something else instead. When these things happened, it caused me to examine my motivations or believe there was something wrong with me. It almost always caused me and those around me to view me as selfish.

What I didn’t know is that my life contains various kinds of energy. Each one influences the others, but regenerating one does not increase the rest. Each needs to be nurtured and managed individually. I’ve tried for many years to heal my physical body. And at one point, I realized I needed to work on my mental health too. I didn’t learn how to improve both at the same time until very recently. When I did learn that us guys need to give as much attention to our mental health as our physical, I started to see that I had other kinds of energy that didn’t come under those two categories.

I first learned about social energy in a book about ADD. In it he talks about a person’s need for human interaction and relationships and how that leads many people to search for those things in some type of faith based life style. He says that social energy isn’t a mythical energy that originates from some mysterious deity or all powerful force, but it comes from within ourselves and from positive relationships. It’s the energy we use to decide when and how to interact with other people. We spend it on enriching the lives of those around us. Managing it is about learning to limit our interactions that consume our social energy, spending more time with others that feed and regenerate our energy, and being by ourselves to let it slowly regenerate on its own.

Emotional energy is one that I had a tough time believing in. Even once I was convinced of its authenticity, it took me too long to understand its relevance to my masculinity. I consume it by feeling both positive and negative emotions. I’ve discovered that my depression was a result of an empty tank of this kind energy. Emotional energy is the strangest of all the energy pools because it’s built by feeling emotions, but only by specific ones. Confidence in oneself is the easiest way to increase it. Forgiveness is another way to recover it. The only way I know of to increase your capacity for emotional energy is by loving others unconditionally. Loving others is one of the biggest uses of this energy, but loving someone unconditionally actually increases the size of the pool I can draw from.

Mental energy is one of the fastest growing areas of interest on my Facebook feed right now. A lot of people are learning for the first time that it is separate from physical energy and needs to be managed separately too. This is the brain power that contributes to many of us not being able to sleep at night even when we feel physically exhausted. If I haven’t done much that was mentally challenging that day, I might have a surplus when I try to sleep at night and brain wants to use some of it before it will let me go to sleep. At other times, I have used up my pool of mental energy when there is still a lot of day left. On those days, I like to go out and do something purely social and/or physical; dancing, wondering the mall, or walking my dog are all activities that use less of my mental energy.

Physical energy is one of the easiest for us guys to understand and manage. Not all of us know how to do those things though. Eating healthy and proper exercise are obvious to most of us. But regular checkups aren’t so easy to keep up with. Good rest is also important here. But so are limiting our exposure to addictive substances and practices. Most of us can agree that too much alcohol or street drugs will have harmful effects on our bodies. Did you know that food addictions or consistent use of pornography can too? There are a lot of things to keep in mind if we want to manage our physical energy.

The fun parts for me have been identifying situations that might need more than one kind of energy. Witty jokes require just the right mixture of mental and social energy. Sports use social and physical, sometime with some mental energy thrown into the mix. Sex uses the emotional and physical varieties. Family needs emotional and social. And the hardest for most of us, trying to stop being single uses both social and emotional energy topped off with a good helping of mental energy. I have decided to reserve that last activity for when I have learned to manage all my energy levels adequately.

A good, wholesome, restful sleep will regenerate all my energy pools. I have had 3 different naps while writing this article because I used up a lot of them last weekend. It’s taken me a few days to recover enough of it to finish this project. Now that I’m learning to understand my abilities and limitations surrounding my energy pools, I find my moods far easier to regulate.

If this is you

Maybe you are having difficulty trying to understand why you want to do things sometimes and other times just don’t feel like participating in those same experiences. Learning what kinds of energy you use and in what ways you use them will probably help you manage these things better and give you a greater sense of control in your life. You might have the same types of energy that I have, or you may have other ways to divvy up your pools of energy. The important part, though, is knowing that there are different pools of energy for doing different things in your life. Learn what yours are, and learn to manage them. When you do, you will find yourself better able to do the things you want and avoid the things that suck your energy dry.

If This is Someone You Know

You know that guy that you just can’t figure out what he likes and doesn’t like? There’s a good chance the same thing confuses and frustrates him too. Try understanding that he has different pools of energy to do different things. They might not be the same pools of energy that you see in your life. He might really like hanging out with you at the pool hall, but if he’s had very socially heavy day, he may not feel like it this time. Or maybe he has a pool of energy dedicated to drinking booze. If his boss or a client has just spent the whole day treating him to various fine restaurants and pubs, he may have used up his booze reserves. Whatever the situation, you don’t know what is in his head or how much of which types of energy he has left, so please be kind with your judgments. Hell, he might not even know he has pools of energy. To a lot of guys, the word energy means oil & gas or electricity. Just because he might not understand his own pools, does not mean that he doesn’t have them. In fact, it probably means he’s kind of crappy at managing them in the first place. Give him the space to say yes or no and let him know that either answer is OK. It’ll help him feel like his feelings or at least his decisions matter to you.

What is means

Personal energy comes in all shapes and sizes. It has all kinds of uses. Some of us know what ours are, but most of us don’t. Most guys I know understand the idea of personal energy, but would look at you as though you wore a pink elephant on your nose if you told them he could use one type energy instead of another one. Mine are physical, mental, social, and emotional. Some of you might find my types of energy make sense to you. If they help you understand yourself better and manage the things you want to do and limit the things you can’t do then your world will be a better place for it. The most useful this information has been for me is when I have to explain to someone why I can’t do something I have enjoyed in the past and might still enjoy. I tell them that I want to do those things but I have to manage that type of energy. When I figure out how to do that, I’ll probably return to those activities with gusto. I’m learning new ways of understanding my energy levels every day.

If this or any article on my blog hit a cord with you, drop me a line and join the conversation.

My Faith

Alright, here is my “faith” post. If listening to me talk about my relationship to God isn’t of interest to you, then there is no need for you to read on. For those that want to understand my view of faith, here it is:

Those who know me personally, know that I am a strong believer in the Christian (specifically Catholic) faith. God has been a huge influence throughout my life. Without Him I would not have found the strength to keep my life going before I met my wife. He is the reason I became a writer, and the reason I keep returning to it when I let my life distract me from it. He has guided me (sometimes with an large hammer or an anvil to the brains) along this hard and often lonely path. He has taught me how to write, what to write, and why to write. He is the motivation behind the articles I write.

 

I don’t want people to associate my observations and advice with any specific philosophy or faith. I believe the purpose God has given me is meant for the general population, regardless of their beliefs. And I especially don’t want someone to disregard my suggestions because they believe it depends on having a faith like my own. It doesn’t. I keep my blog posts religiously universal so that all guys that deal with these things can find help, even or especially those that don’t find any relief in faith.

 

My experience

My faith has always been strong. I’ve believed in God even when most of the people in my life didn’t. It’s never depended on things that happened in my life or what myself or others have experienced.

As a child, God was often the only person I could talk to and feel that he cared. Neither of my parents put much importance in God. We never went to church or had God influences, but neither did they teach us that He didn’t exist. They seemed to just let us believe what we wanted. They encouraged us to wait until we were adults to decide what our beliefs should be. I always thought of him as a loving, accepting, and patient kind of person. It probably stemmed from the idea that God was everything that people should and could be if we were able to be perfect. I didn’t often ask him for things. I would simply feel safe and valued because he always knew what was important to me. If I ever did ask him for something, I would usually ask for strength to endure, or the patience to wait for his plan to take effect.

I would sometimes ask for wisdom to understand why other people acted as they did. When I think about that now, I have always had an understanding of the motivations of other people that went beyond that of my peers. I’ve rarely been able to use that gift to my own advantage though. On the rare occasion that I have been able to use that gift, it’s only been in scenarios that benefited that person.

I guess my relationship with God has always been one of a trusted friend who I could share anything with. I don’t tell him things, he already knows everything about my life. Sometimes I get encouragement from him in the form of tiny happy events that are beyond my control. He also gives me feedback when I ask his opinion.

For example: shortly after my wife left, I started to think this could be a great opportunity to pursue my writing more seriously. I asked God to show me in no uncertain terms if he wanted me to be a writer or not. Over the next couple of days, I searched for paid writing opportunities because “God helps those who help themselves”, in other words, He can’t direct my activities if I’m not doing anything for Him to direct. After searching for a couple days, I found an ad asking for someone to help them write something for their real estate website. The ad didn’t give much for details, but I thought “This sounds easy enough, I’ve written marketing materials for many of my employers over the years and they always seemed to like what I did.” I responded to the ad and continued searching for others. A few days later they responded positively by saying they would like me to do a couple sample articles. If it worked out, they would have over 300 they would need me to do for them. I’ll stop the story there, because that is the point I’m trying to make. I asked God to slap me in the face with his answer. I’m kind of dense when it comes to listening to Him. This answer to my response CLEARLY told me that he wanted me to be a writer. Regardless of how the deal turned out, and it didn’t end up coming to any money, I knew for certain that He wanted me to write. The answer was, however, very specific to the question. Over the next few months of trying, and failing, to make a career out of writing marketing materials, I discovered that His answer was “Yes, I want you to write,” but not “Yes, I want you to write marketing materials.”

This is an important point for this story because many people that I tell this story to say, “If God wanted you to write, why aren’t you making any money as a writer?” My answer is always “Because I didn’t ask if I would make money as a writer, only if that is what he wants me to be.” I firmly believe God will look after, even financially, those who follow His plan for them. I wasn’t following His plan. I interpreted His answer in my own way instead of taking it at face value. I assumed He wanted me to follow that particular writing path. Over the next few months, I tried a lot of other writing ventures I thought He wanted me to pursue. When I started to focus on this blog, that’s when a lot of other things in my life have fallen into place. I now have a large support group who have said directly that they won’t let me “live on the streets and eat out of garbage cans.” I’m still not making any money as a writer, but I’m very much at peace with my professional life. Most of my personal life brings me a lot of peace as well. That tells me that I’m closer to following God’s path for me.

 

The other reason I’ve always had a close relationship to God is because He taught me what unconditional love means and how to give it. He showed me that I have a choice. Through reading my bible and through positive reinforcement he showed me that I can resent, hate, and turn away from the people in my life who have hurt me, or I can love them and even forgive them and try to influence how they interact with me. He has given me the ability to use my gift of understanding people’s motivations to improve both my outlook on life and theirs.

For example: there was a customer that frequented the video game store I used to work at. He was loud and offensive every time he came into the store. I figured that he probably felt lonely and powerless in his life. He used a loud and obnoxious personality to give himself a sense of control. He could understand why nobody would want to be in his life if he pissed them off or made them feel uncomfortable. With that idea in mind I began to bond with him. When there were no other customers in the store I would be almost as loud and obnoxious as he was. I shared crude stories to show him I could relate to him on that level. After I judged that I had created some sort of bond with him I sat him down one day and said “Look man, you are rude and loud when there are other customers in the store. I like you and don’t want to have to kick you out so please tone it down when there are other people in here.” He reacted the same way as when other staff members said something similar – he didn’t listen. But, as time went on, I ignored him when he continued his unruly behavior around other customers and joined him when there wasn’t anyone else around to be offended. He began to crave my friendship even when other people were around. Soon, he started to have normal conversations with me in a normal tone of voice when other people were present. I intentionally responded positively to those polite conversations and even went out of my way sometimes to reinforce this new behavior. Of course, when the store was empty except for him and I, we would resume our usual crude interactions. After a while he even lost the desire to be obnoxious during those times too. I had used the gift of understanding that God gave me to influence (not change, he did that himself) this lonely, obnoxious guy into becoming a kind, helpful and considerate gentleman who would help other customers with his legit experience with some of the games he had played, even to the point of discouraging one parent from buying Grand Theft Auto for their under-age child. That had been completely out of character for him just a couple months earlier. By showing him the unconditional love that staff at my store and numerous others had not done, I had given him a reason to let his suppressed compassionate nature shine through. And it did catch the notice of my manager and the managers of 2 other local video game stores that he had been previously banned from.

God used this lessen to teach me that unconditional love is a miracle that can change lives. I have strived to give that kind of love ever since. Recently, I have been able to give that same unconditional love to my wife of 20 years who left me a little over a year ago for her childhood sweetheart. I have been able to help her feel my forgiveness and show her that I support her newfound happiness. It’s been hard much of the time, but when I started to show her this kind of love, most of my stress and hurt has resulted in some amazing healing. And, for me at least, God is the reason that has happened.

 

If this is you

You believe in God too? Awesome, that gives me warm and fuzzy feelings. Do you struggle with how that should come out in your life? There are many ways to let Him show in your everyday life without seeming fake or forced. Some share their faith by quoting scripture. Try the passages that touched you the most or the latest ones you heard from your faith leaders. Others share their views of God as they see Him or as they have been taught about Him. Many also discuss their faith with others within their church or religious groups. Some people choose their friendships based on their religious beliefs. Still others chose people who don’t share their beliefs because they provide them with a contrast with which they can test or strengthen their own faith.  There are others that simply try to live their lives the way they think God wants them to.

These different methods help us to understand and solidify our values and beliefs. Most people I have talked to don’t agree with everything their church teaches. These different activities help to understand the motivations for those beliefs and allows us to make more conscious choices about our own values.

Whatever you do to share your faith, do so through love and kindness because that is why God sent his son to die for us. Jesus changed how we understand God’s laws so that we would stop using it to condemn each other and start using it to love each other better.

 

If this is someone you know

Please understand that everything God teaches his faithful is designed to help them love each other. However, we are all still learning this and what it means, so please be patient with us as we learn to love those around us. If you know a Christian, please don’t teach him that his beliefs are wrong, misguided, or utterly pointless, because doing so doesn’t provide clarity. Quite the opposite. It makes him doubt both his own beliefs and yours. Yet if you can show him the patience and kindness he is trying to learn, he will learn to love and accept others for their own beliefs, even if they aren’t the same as his. Through his own faith growth, he may learn that what he believes is false and change his mind on his own, but if you try to change it for him, all you will accomplish is discord and distrust in all things. By showing him love and kindness, however, he may decide that your beliefs lead to the life he is looking for, or he may learn to enjoy differing points of view to better understand his own values. Goodness breeds goodness and misery loves company. Please help our Christians learn what love means to you.

What it means

The core behind almost every faith in existence is: what does life mean? To me, God means love. He represents every possible way a person can love someone or something. Although some of his teachings are about different laws and ways to obey his commands, the primary reason for those teachings is to show us diverse ways to love each other and him.

It all comes down to love, and for him, it’s unconditional love. He loves everyone one of us regardless of what we do in our lives; it doesn’t even matter if we believe in him or follow his commands, he loves us anyway. Even if we leave him or do things to intentionally hurt him, he loves us and welcomes us into his house. His love is truly unconditional.

It’s the model I strive to learn and live by. I don’t have to preach or even talk about Him to share my message. For me, it comes out in the motivation for sharing my message, not the message itself. I can offer my experience and suggestions to everyone. The articles I write don’t assume a religious connection of any kind (except this article of course). My faith guides my life, but I want to help as many people as I can, regardless of their beliefs.

 

Dear God, thank you for inspiring me to write this article, and for continuing to bring me back to it no matter how much I tried to avoid it and distract myself. You are my greatest friend and the reason I’m alive.

Amen.

 

Please start the conversation. If anything in here gets you thinking or wanting more, just ask. Myself and God are both listening.

If Suicide, Why Not Success

If a guy is willing to give up on everything in his loves to kill himself, why isn’t he willing to give up everything to make major changes to achieve success. The simple answer, of course, is that he has lost all hope. Look at it from a different angle for a minute before you take the next step toward your death. Many of the most successful people in the world (not all, but many for sure) found success in the depths of despair. Would it surprise you to know that it takes the same level of emotions and commitment to throw everything away and start over as it does to throw everything away and kill yourself? I’m not suggesting that you get a divorce, quit your job, and move to a different country. Most of us that have been on the verge of suicide, though, have already lost one or more of those things. Do you remember the saying “when God closes a door, he opens a window”? It sounds like a lot of spiritual BS to me too, but I eventually figured out what they are actually trying to say there. So, you lost something important in your life and it’s tearing you apart, this is the best time to knock off some of those barriers that have been stopping you from pursuing your dreams. What have you got to lose, besides that which you were willing to sacrifice by taking your own life.

 

My experience

Hope. That’s the emotion that ties essentially all suicide cases together. The person lost hope. In most, but not all cases, they lost ALL hope. Sometimes they only lost hope in the one, most important, dream they had. When I lost all hope in seeing any of my dreams come true, I wanted to die. Not to stop the pain, but to stop being a drain on those around me and the world as a whole. I had nothing to offer that others wanted and, by taking up space and resources, I used up the things others could benefit from if I wasn’t selfishly trying to hold onto a dead dream. But it occurred to me that I judged those that chose to help me based on criteria that they couldn’t consider. Through the loss of all that I held dear, I decided that I was worthless and, therefore, anyone who helped me backed a bad bet. Maybe those that chose to take themselves out of my life felt I was a bad bet, but those still investing in me probably saw something else. And for the first time in my life I started to wonder if I myself listened to the wrong people. As soon as the seed of that thought sunk in to my soul, it immediately sprung into a full-grown tree. I had already coached many of my friends through the same thoughts and feelings so I had nurtured and fully developed it. I just hadn’t planted that same idea in my own heart yet. Of course, I had been listening to the wrong people. Many people I had trusted to have my best interests in mind only saw what I needed to fix based on their own agendas. Once they gave up and left, I realised that there were also some that where trying to help me find my own agenda because they truly believed in me.

This is the point where I realised that I’d be willing lose all those people and things I had been holding onto because I thought they saw potential in me. But all they saw was how to fix me by their own standards. Once I let them go and began to focus on what I had left, wonderful things started to happen. At first, I didn’t think I had anything left, but by not having anything left in my life that I cared about, I found an empty space that I could fill with whatever I chose. I started filling up my life with the things and people I had wanted for a long time but never felt I had permission to pursue. I soon found that most of those things were also just junk to fill up my life and lead me down the wrong path. So, I let go of those people and only kept the ones in my life that I felt truly supported me and helped me along the path to my goals. Then I started trying things that I had more recently found an interest in. I threw out those activities and people that didn’t help me forward my other goals. Each time I iterated this way, I kept just a little more of the people and ideas that fed my other goals and eventually ended up with enough positive things in my life that I could find hope.

The key here is to keep anything that helps you forward a positive goal even if you have some goals that you never find support for. For example: I have been keeping the things and people that help me be a better writer and those that want to share positivity and love in the world, but so far nothing I have kept in my life has helped me find any financial security. So, it’s not about keeping the things that give me the one thing I want most but to keep anything that helped me achieve any of my goals.

 

If this is you

You’ve lost hope. Now what? Do you really believe that it can’t get better? Maybe you just don’t care if it can. Maybe what you’ve lost can never be rebuilt or replaced. Death could allow you to let go of the dream, and the false hope. But why do you need death for that? Aren’t they already gone? Isn’t that why you feel this way? All you’re holding onto right now is the grief and loss. But those aren’t tangible and keep slipping through your fingers. That’s supposed to happen. It’s a process. Let it happen. Reach out to those around you: friends and family if you have them. They care and want to help, but most of them just don’t know how. If you don’t find support there, join a group. Any group will do if you can find a connection within it. Try a depression group, a grief group, a church group, a recovery group, or, if your can find one, a hobby group. If one doesn’t work, join a different one, or join a couple. If that starts to wear thin and you still haven’t made much for connections, try online groups or even just listen to audio books or podcasts. What you’re looking for here, isn’t people who will listen to your grief and sorrow, but people you can relate to who you can listen to. If you can listen to their grief and sorrow without judgement or negativity, then you can build connections with them.

Those connections are important because that’s where you will start to see who you actually are instead of what others want you to be. You’ll begin to see characteristics in them that you can relate to. Out of those characteristics, you can sort through and pick out the ones you haven’t felt free to pursue before. With a little development, they can become your new direction and even a source of hope.

This is where the choice becomes important. What are you willing to give up in order to find hope? What are you willing to give up on to consider suicide? Are you willing to give up the expectation that someone will come to your rescue? What about your sadness? Can you let go of those people that expect you to fix yourself based on their own formula? If your answer is yes to these questions, why do you need to die? Letting go of these things will also free you up to pursue hope. The hardest part is keeping your commitment to let go. But the upside of change instead of death? You won’t hurt as many people and those you do hurt are probably the ones you need to let go of anyway. Yes, you might still die. You might lose everything. You might hurt all those same people. You may end up on the street fighting to find food. But you might just find your place in this world. You might find love. You might find the money you need to support yourself. And you might find success. In death, you’ll only find failure.

 

If this is someone you know

First, although it’s true, they are seeking attention, it isn’t that simple. Refusing to give them the attention so they’ll “just grow up” will most assuredly confirm for them that you really don’t care. It will push them further into their depression and closer the real act of suicide. Even if you tell them a million times how much you care, refusing the attention they are seeking will deny those words a hundred times over. They need that attention, and far more than that, they need your love. The true love that lets them vent their hurt, especially the hurt you might have caused. Even the hurt you didn’t cause but they blame on you anyway. They need to know that their hurt counts. That it means something because it does mean something, especially the misplaced blame and anger they have. It means they need help. Help they don’t know where to find. Help they may not believe exists. They need the attention of someone that will listen without judgement. Someone who doesn’t always have the answers, but will stick by them and support them while they search for those answers. Someone who won’t try to “fix” them.

Be the first connection they can trust. It might look like they have other support systems in place, but if they are contemplating suicide, they don’t trust them. Be that connection for them. Build the trust they need to open up about the real hurt. They don’t have to cry to be talking about the real feelings, but if they’re just ‘telling their story’, listen and let them talk, that isn’t the hurtful stuff. Don’t dig for detail and don’t get them to ‘talk about their feelings’. Just listen, respond when its appropriate, and keep the conversation open. It doesn’t happen all at once. In fact, it probably won’t happen in the first sitting. They got to the point of suicide because too many of their ‘friendships’ didn’t turn out to matter at all when they really needed them. Be the guy they can count on. Set your boundaries and stick around for the long haul. At some point, they will start talking about things they like and dislike. That’s the beginning. As they sort through the hurt and pain, they will eventually start to remember the good things. They need to process that pain and they aren’t capable of doing so alone. They will come out of it, and when they do they will begin to see who was still there when they needed them. Be the foundation they build the rest of their life on. Or, if that is too much responsibility, with proper boundaries, you will be the support they need to build their own foundation that won’t depend on you.

 

What it means

When you get to a point in your life that you’ve lost hope and you’re prepared to sacrifice everything and just die, remember there are more than one way to put and end on something. Death is only the most commonly thought of solution. It’s not the best, or even the easiest, solution. I promise that some of those people that haven’t helped or listened to you would still be greatly saddened by your departure. Death is admitting failure. It’s quitting. Maybe that’s ok with you. But, just for a moment, imagine what you could find if all your dreams came true.

If you let go of those same things that suicide removes you from, you can find the freedom to finally pursue those passions and dreams that were out of your reach while you held on to people and things that didn’t support you. By filling your life with the things that support and forward your goals, you begin to create positivity in your life. Eventually the only people you will have in your life are those that help you chase your dreams. As you reach for your stars, you’ll have the support, happiness, and money that you need to reach even further. Do me a favor when you get there: remember that others are still struggling to find hope. Help them see it. Be their last hope if you must, but help them.

If this offered you some hope, or showed you how to offer hope for someone else, drop me a line and open the conversation. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Sick ‘n’ Tired

What does sick time look like when you are working for yourself? Well, for starters, it looks different than when you are working for someone else. Down time of any sort is unpaid time. Sick time is usually unplanned and varies in it’s length and intensity. Each person has a different sickness tolerance level before they let themselves be sick for a while. For a large portion of us, it’s a momentum killer. If you have been trying very hard to get something going, finally hit a stride and start to feel optimistic about the future then suddenly come down with an energy draining, motivation sucking, doozey of a cold/flu, it will often kill any forward motion you have created. Even when you come out of it and begin to feel normal again, the motivation is usually gone.

These are the moments that separate truly successful people from those that are simply lucky enough to have a great start. The person who is naturally motivated, has a great support system of friends and family, or just never gets sick doesn’t know the real struggle that a depressed person goes through. We have to remind ourselves of the reasons we had for doing our thing in the first place. That becomes harder each time we have a setback because we have already achieved the initial high that comes from starting something new. When that high is no longer able to sustain us, and we haven’t seen the huge success that we secretly wanted but knew we wouldn’t get, that’s what tests our true resolve. That’s when most of us fall short. We don’t quit because it stopped being fun or some other random accusation we usually get from our “kick in the ass” support group. It’s because we have a very hard time picking ourselves up when we get stopped by something beyond our control. It seems like nobody cares anyway so what’s the point. This is the point when we need the most encouragement and usually get it least often.

My Experience

It’s been two weeks since my last post. I wanted to make this a bi-weekly thing, but a fever got in the way of that. At least that is the reason for missing the first post. I had written some of my next post before the one week mark, but I let my cold be the excuse for a second time and forgave myself for missing two in a row. By the time is came to missing the third scheduled time, I had to start admitting to myself that I was letting my goals slip through my selfish, procrastinating fingers. I had rethought about the purpose of my blog and decided on a couple evolutionary changes, but thought and planning are pointless without actually writing anything. The difference this time is two-fold. First, what I’m writing about is something others want to know and I have the experience to share it. And second, it’s something I can write in a day or two and publish to my blog, then I’m done with that piece. It isn’t like my novel that will be years in the making before I can even see the end of the project. I can go from concept to published post in a matter of days, usually a week or two from start to finish. My need for immediate gratification is satisfied.

This blog satisfies my need for instant satisfaction because my goal with it is just to contribute consistently. Of course, I have further goals of eventually supporting myself with my writing, but that is still something I’m working out the details for. The goal here is only to be consistently posting. Essentially, I want to make a habit of writing that no other formula I’ve used has done yet.

It comes down to goal setting. At first my goal with my writing was to write something that the world really wanted to consume in such volumes that it would rocket me to stardom and make me enough money that I would never have to worry about it again. It would support my family, put my kids through college and pay for my retirement while still leaving enough behind that it could do those same things for my kids too. Nothing too greedy. Eventually, reality set in. First, I didn’t actually write that much very often. It’s hard to take the world by storm when the story they really want to read is still in my head. I talked about writing far more than I actually wrote. Then, I had to admit that my writing kind of sucked. While I had moments of pure brilliance, by the time they got from my head to the blank page, they seemed more like slightly better fertilizer than the crap around it. That really killed my motivation pretty hard. It was a few years before I could even find the courage to put my fingers on the keyboard again. Eventually I started hearing that I should break my goals into smaller goals. Then I had to translate that into something other than breaking my novel up into chapters and scenes. I’d already tried that and it didn’t give me enough to keep me going. I struck on the idea of short stories. That helped. I wrote a few and even finished three. But then life got in the way again. Other things needed my time, my wife and I fought about what I did locked up in my little writing closet, and I got sick. In the end, I just couldn’t find the point any more.

When my wife left, I decided to try again, this time as a copy writer doing marketing writing for clients. Again, the goal was to use my writing to earn a living. Although I found many clients that seemed to want to pay me for what I wrote, they all ultimately fell through. By that point, I had joined a writers’ group because I really wanted to find a way to make this into a career. After a bout of depression last fall that nearly killed me for the third time, I iterated again and decided to write more of these articles I’d written over the past few months. This turned out to be a good thing because I could do one in a short time and go on to the next one without having to go back again to the old ones.

I’m back to writing again after two weeks of not posting anything, so this just might be the thing I needed to give me the motivation to restart after stalling. Hopefully, I have made my goals small enough that I can feel like I’m reaching them and keep going. Maybe this is the thing that will get me writing on a regular basis.

If This is You

If you have gotten sick and are having a hard time rebooting and getting back into it, this might be a good time to revisit the reason you are writing in the first place.

Is it the money? Are you making enough to keep going? If not why? Most writers find that money is not motivating enough to keep going. It isn’t usually much, if any, for most of us. If you want to write for money, you need to learn what will actually earn money. Most of what you see online to make a living as a writer is other writers trying to sell you their own success plan. While that may work for you, its far more likely that you will simply end up paying their bills but making nearly nothing yourself. The simple truth is that you need to just write, and write a lot, then write some more, and eventully, you will learn what sells and maybe start to earn a living. It’s a long and dedicated process, but a few have made some money this way.

Is it for recognition? Are friends and family enough? Do they even notice? The writer’s I know don’t get a lot of recognition from their friends and families. A few of them get some from their social media networks, but that’s usually because they’ve put a significant amount of time and energy into cultivating their social media for that purpose. You can get recognition as a writer, but you have to put the effort into finding the people that want to read what you write.

Is it to get a message out there? Do you have an audience? Do you know what they want to hear/learn? The hardest part about this purpose is remembering that your content isn’t for you own entertainment or enlightenment. If you have a message you want to get out there, you need to be sure you find the audience that wants to hear that message and that they haven’t already heard it too many times to care. For example: if you are going to write about climate change, make sure you find an audience that agrees it needs to change and that they haven’t already heard enough to desensitize them to the message. If you are going to write about mental health, find an audience that wants the information you are writing about. Then give them information that is helpful to them.

Is it simply because you have an inner need to write that no amount of TV, Netflix, Facebook, reading, or music will ever satisfy? This is usually the easiest one to restart after a bout of sickness. It almost reboots itself as soon as you can sit up long enough to get the words down. These are the natural writers out there. You don’t have to try, you just write. You aren’t trying to please anyone or get anything from your writing. Your writing is an end of its own. The blank page is where you are most at home. Welcome to it and enjoy the ride.

For each of these reasons and others I neglected to list here, you need to remind yourself why you are writing in the first place. If the reason you have isn’t enough to get you back to the keyboard after a setback, then maybe you need to do a little more soul searching and see if “being a writer” is still in there, or if you just put it in there as a way to reach another goal. Either way, the soul searching should help you find what you are really doing here. If you want to keep the motivation going, you need to find something close to your heart that will kick you back into gear once you get back to your ‘normal’ life.

If This is Someone You Know

You have just nursed your spouse back from the dead and they are driving you mad with all the ideas that keep spilling out of their mouth that used to go onto the blank page. This can be a difficult position for you if you, like most spouses, have been trying to keep the household from falling to pieces as your significant other has taken themselves out of the world to make an attempt at the zombie life style for a while. You may have run out of patience days ago. You probably have issues coming up that is their area of specialty. You just don’t have the energy for their neediness anymore. They’re perfectly fine and you need them to just get their shit together and participate for once. But you know from past experience that if you said anything close to that, it would destroy their fragile ego and cause more pain, fighting and dissention than you can deal with right now.

So, what do you do? You pull out the loving kindness they fell in love with and you gently encourage them to get back to the passion that lets them express their inner self in ways that won’t tax your already short temper. You patiently listen to their dreams and quietly assure their insecurities. You stroke their ego just a little. You bake them some reward cookies; they get one for each chapter/article/short story they finish. You help them reconnect with the other writers that have been asking after their health. You remind them why they wanted to write in the first place. Essentially, you become the super support system that so many writers lack. For so many of us writers, our spouses are the real reason we have felt safe enough to pursue this insane passion in the first place. We count on your grounded reality to keep us from floating away on our dreams.

What is Means

Every writer has different ways of dealing with sickness. The secret to getting back to writing when you are better is to know why you write and caring enough about that thing that you will reboot yourself even when you don’t have the normal motivations that go with starting something new. When you find yourself stopped because of a cold/flu, the proof of your passion is what you do with it once you can function enough to put words in writing again. If you find yourself stalled and can’t restart, it’s time to dig deeper and find what you’re really made of. Is “writer” deep inside you somewhere or just a cool idea that you had when you were drunk one afternoon. If you really want to be a writer, this is the point you prove it. Not to your mom or dad, not to your wife, not to your boss, but to you, the one who won’t be convinced by delusions of grandeur. Nobody will be hurt if you aren’t a writer except your inner writer. If this is what you are, dig it up and get to it. Find a reason, find a way.

If this or any other article in my blog has hit a cord with you, write me and open the discussion. I’d love to hear from you.

Why I Write

Because I have words that don’t belong to me. Some people write because they have an uncontrollable need to. Others need to sort out their thoughts. Still more have experience that others want to take advantage of. I have words I have been loaned to me that are meant for someone else. Every writer has a motivation that is their own, and most of us also have external factors that represent some priority to us. But at the heart of every writer is a purpose bigger than the culmination of us, our paper/computer, and our words. The process of writing takes all those things and creates magic. If a writer takes the time to put words on a page, its because they have something to say that needs literary expression.

I used to spend a large amount of time and energy trying to convince people that I had all the answers, that if they would simply pay attention to what I say they would have happier, more productive lives. Sounds unique, right? Yeah, right. That’s what every arrogant person with an inflated view of their own intelligence in the history of arrogance has done all through history. Then one day I realized that all of the wisdom that has survived the ages and has had an influence on our world was written down, not told to whoever could be strapped to a chair across from the wisdom provider. Once I began writing stuff down, I found I no longer had the need to verbally spew my ‘wisdom’ at everyone I met. After one of my gems got on the page, that particular piece of insight no longer wanted to attack unsuspecting bystanders. And the side effect? It’s all there for anyone that actually wants to hear (or read) my ultimate wisdom, forever-ish.

Another format my writing used to take was the stories I would share in social situations where I felt someone else was getting social recognition or coolness factor when they shared their experiences. I would often have a story that I thought related to theirs, but of course, I would add a few interesting details to make my story just a little more impressive than theirs. Sometimes, my truth would be better than their stories. For some reason, though, I never put as much passion or emphasis on my true experiences. They just didn’t seem as cool. Again, as with advice, once I started telling stories on paper, my need to impress others with my creativity in person lessened. I still use my creativity on people, but now its usually in the form of bad dad jokes.

I don’t write to make people listen to me, or to impress people by my creative genius anymore. I tried that for 15 years and kept failing over and over again. I couldn’t even convince myself of my own brilliance; it’s no wonder why people weren’t falling over each other to hear my words of wisdom, or getting in fist fights to hear my story telling. Now, I write about my real experiences. I include the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I try to finish my blog posts with the lessons I learned and how those lessons might help someone else. With the fiction I write, I try to tell stories that have a point of view that isn’t common or isn’t well understood. I’d rather tell the story of the evil wizard or the terrorizing dragon than the night in shining armor.

My blog posts, as you might get if you’ve read my front page, are about reasons and ways to love all the different people in your life. Although I have no training or education in this field, I’ve discovered a huge gap in the self-help/self-improvement market when it comes to men that didn’t start with any advantages. I have seen and read hundreds of articles for, by, and about all kinds of women’s issues. That makes me super happy because women have historically gotten a raw deal for generations, and in many places on the planet, they still are. But when it comes to men, the only stories I hear are “from rags to riches”, or far more commonly “from riches to rags to riches”. The problem I have with almost all of those stories is that almost exclusively those guys had some type of advantage over the rest of us: they either had an education (even if they never used it, they still got to go to college/university), they had a drive/determination that isn’t common among most of us, or they had a support group that kept them going when they wanted to quit. I haven’t heard any advice for guys that start with nothing, don’t believe they can do anything, and don’t have anyone that believes in them. So, I have felt for years that guys like me, and I’ve know a large number of others like me, are basically screwed. I’ve been going to counselling for 5 years and they haven’t done anything to help me in any of those areas. In fact, one of my councillors told my wife that she would probably be better off leaving so she did. I’ve been in 12-step programs and was told “trust in ‘God’s’ plan”. I went to priests and pastors of various denominations, all of whom told me the same thing as the 12-step people: it’s not in my control. I went to shrinks who all told me that my head was probably screwed up (they didn’t actually know for sure) so they gave me drugs. Some professionals I went to gave the same advice they give their female clients: work on yourself, let go of the pain and find some reason to believe in yourself.” All I heard in that advice was “your connections to the world are hurting you, go be by yourself and learn to love yourself” In the end, none of them did a dam thing. Everything I heard required me to have some feature or skill I didn’t have and couldn’t learn the way they were teaching it to me. When I started writing down my thoughts in a blog for others to read, that’s when I started understanding what I was missing. I needed someone to believe in me in a way I was incapable of doing. Much like an editor will see my writing from an outside viewpoint and be able point out mistakes I might not catch, a friend can see good qualities in me that I disqualify or completely ignore.

So why do I write? Because I can share my wisdom and creativity with people that want to hear it. And because, by sharing my experiences, other people might learn what it’s actually like to build yourself up from nothing by learning to love those around you. Looking at the positivity around you really will make you a positive person. Take everything negative you see or experience and, once you process the negative feelings, learn to see the silver lining, even if the silver lining surrounds the darkest and worst things you have ever felt. Learn to accept, process, and let go of the negative feelings, then find, grasp for, and hold on to the positive ones, especially in other people. The expression “turn the other cheek” doesn’t mean turn and walk away it’s more like “turn and offer them the other cheek as well.” If you can learn to let the negative feelings have their place, you can then learn to give some space to the job of loving the unlovable and helping the helpless. This is why I write: so others will see what I have learned about loving others and so that other guys can see what it’s like to build yourself up when you don’t have anything to build from.

If the writing bug has you, or if anything else in this article strikes you, comment, or otherwise drop me a line. I’d love to hear from you.