Same subject, new post. What do you say to someone that has admitted to you that this is a serious thought for them? First, you say nothing. You listen, you listen a lot. It’ll be hard. They may say things that hurt your feelings, but they’re hurting far worse than any feelings they can touch in you. Unless you too are suicidal, in that case, you know what they’re going through and can probably actually help each other.
This part is critical to stopping the actual event. If the person you’re talking to doesn’t feel that you’re listening, or doesn’t believe you care, or doesn’t think you can even understand, he/she may just brush off the seriousness of the issue so you go away. This doesn’t mean they will kill themselves right away, but it does mean you failed at stopping, and reversing, the thought process that might lead to them doing so. You need to listen to understand. Don’t just say “I understand” even if you really do, but show you understand by asking questions, or repeating what they said, or giving them your full attention even when they sit and cry for long periods. What is most helpful for the suicidal person is being that someone that actually cares about what ever is hurting them. They often want to die because they’ve lost hope of achieving something important to them: maybe they lost their ‘One true love’, or they have lost their dream job. Sometimes a lot of smaller failures/losses add up to lost hope for happiness, and other times they feel like their life has been miserable for so long that simply failing to get out of bed or take a shower can push a person passed the point of wanting to continue living. Understand what that thing means to them and help them grieve for it if necessary. The key is to pay attention to what they say and try to understand their pain.
Second, you tell them how much you care. Be sincere here. They won’t believe it anyway, so if you can’t back up your statements with actions, then don’t say them. If all you can do is listen to them and be present with them when your schedule allows, then say that and leave it there. If you can drop everything and answer the phone anytime, day or night, and they might need that, then offer it, but be prepared for them to actually call you at work or in the middle of the night.
Third, help them find help. Most people who are talking about suicide have already looked for help, but found none that made a difference. They may need to you to help them search for services or even do the search for them yourself. Simply suggesting the same things you’ve heard may not be enough, but do it anyway. Although those services seem easy to find on the surface, the suicidal person may have already tried some of them and found them unhelpful. Again, only offer to help them with this if you have the time and ability to do so.
My Experience
When I’ve felt like taking my own life, it has been at times when I don’t see any hope at all or the hope I do see requires me to do something I don’t think I’m capable of; in other words, it seems like false hope. And that hope isn’t always about my own future. Sometimes the thing I want most is for my kids to succeed in a world that has defeated me. Sometimes my hope is based on the world at large finding better ways to help people in need.
When I see the greater world around me making decisions that seem to me to feed fear or increase the separation between those who have and those who have not, I sometimes feel like just ending my life because, at those times specifically, it’s my belief that I will need the skills of a compassionate person to teach me how to reach my goals. In a world full of fear and selfishness, I’m not likely to find someone like that, so my hope in a future where I’m not living in poverty dies – and I want to die with it.
Sometimes I see my kids struggling to survive, but only managing to wriggle themselves deeper into life’s quicksand. I don’t see anyone with the ability to help show enough compassion to support them through the tough spots. That makes me want to die and end the possibility to create more children that I would fail to give the tools they need to thrive. I feel like a failure as a father and as a human being at those times. I just want to stop giving false hope to my kids and hope they can find someone that can truly offer them the support and training they need in order to get through this miserable life.
The darkest times come when I lose hope of finding the help I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with my brain or my life patterns. Most of the time, I spend my time trying to escape my life through video games, deep, philosophical conversations, socialising with like minded people, sleeping, or just doing a lap or two around a local mall to feel connected to the world around me. What am I escaping? My beliefs that I don’t have enough employable skills, that I will never be able to support myself, that I raised my kids without teaching them anything useful, that I can never be lovable, that I will never be a writer who makes any money writing. I spend the vast majority of my time escaping these beliefs. Eventually, I lose hope of ever finding a counsellor, or psych, or other professional that can help me identify the problem and offer realistic solutions. Since I have spent over 40 years trying to find those solutions on my own without making much ground, most of my hope lies in finding professional help. When that professional help has failed me time and again from a double handful of sources, I lose hope of ever having a life with dignity or self respect. When I lose that hope, I want to die.
The things that have stopped me from killing myself fall into two categories:
First there are those I love or feel love from. Those include many of the members of the dance club I’m a part of, many of the members of the writers’ group I joined over a year ago now, my kids, a few friends not from the dance club or writers’ group, and, more distantly, my family of origin. When I want to take my own life, I think of these people. I believe some of them truly do love me, even if they have no ability to help me. Others I love deeply and don’t want to hurt them.
Second, are the people who see the signs and respond. They are some of the people from the first group, the ones who are lucky enough to have made contact with me when I’m feeling suicidal. Not everyone I talked to during these times has responded. I don’t know if that is because they didn’t see the signs, or because they didn’t think they could help, or maybe it was because they saw the signs but didn’t care enough to help. But the people that did see the signs and responded kindly, have literally saved my life on a few occasions. Most of them just connected with me and listened. They heard my hurt. They understood my pain. They cared about my problems. Mostly, they just talked and listened when I needed them most to do so.
Suicide, for me, isn’t a disconnection from people. It isn’t because I don’t think anybody cares. I know they do. For me, I sometimes want to kill myself so I stop taking up resources without giving anything useful back to the world. I want to stop wasting time, money, and space on myself when I don’t believe I will ever have anything to contribute. But, I stay connected, I talk to people that care about me, and I stay alive.
If This Is You
If you’ve been thinking about suicide yourself, please ignore the negativity attached to the words or actions associated with it and seek the help of those around you. At very least, talk to them. Tell them you are hurting. Tell them why, if you can. Reach out to those services I talked about earlier. There is probably a suicide prevention phone number in your area. If you phone any psychologist, psychiatrist, mental health agency, or 911 and tell them you are considering suicide, they’re obligated to help.
Think about the people you are leaving behind. They may not seem like they care, but they do, I promise. They might not have the time, money, or emotional ability to give you what you need, but they do care. You will hurt them. You might be OK with hurting some of them – that might be one of your motivations – but consider the others that you don’t want to hurt. There are always innocent people effected by someone killing themselves.
Most of all you should talk to anybody that will listen. Start with those closest to you. Talk to your family and close friends, but don’t stop there. I’ve built some very close friendships telling casual acquaintances about my desire to end my own life. I’ve found people that can help in meaningful ways by talking to someone I don’t know very well or just met.
If This Is Someone You Know
It’s worth repeating here what I said at the start. If someone has admitted to you that they are considering killing themselves, you need to stop what you’re doing and listen. If they’re reaching out to you, they haven’t quite given up yet. But that doesn’t mean they’re only seeking attention either. People talk about suicide for a variety of reasons; one of the most common reasons someone might tell you they want to die is because they are hoping you can give them a reason not to.
Many people use this as a manipulation tool to get what they want from you. If you assume that everyone that talks about suicide is only manipulating you, though, you will miss your chance to save a life. The key to the difference is listening. Someone who is truly suicidal will cherish the connection that comes from talking to someone. If they’re simply talking about dying to get something they want, talking won’t be enough. You should be able to see the difference easily, most people can.
If talking to them seems to calm them a little (it probably won’t make the thought go away all together), then they’re serious about wanting your input. Most of the time, listening to them share their pain and failures is enough to reduce the urgency and buy some more time. Build the connection with them. Be the one they can trust with their deepest hurts. Don’t judge them or give them advice. If you want to help more than just by listening, it requires that you take some action on their behalf. Discuss it with them first to make sure it is something they are open and willing to accept. It is not helpful to just sit back and offer advice, no matter how insightful or brilliant. If all you can give them is time, then listen. If you can give them more, offer to do something with them or for them. Honestly, the more someone does something with me or for me, the more connected I feel, and the less hopeless I feel. Connection prevents suicide.
Some of the things you can do for them or with them is find professional help. Someone who is talking about wanting to die needs more than just a friend, they need to be assessed by a professional. Even is they’re only trying to get attention, they need help. Both, people who really do want to die, and those who use it to manipulate others will be helped by seeking professional help.
What It Means
Suicide is always a serious subject. The more we can connect with people in our lives, the more secure and stable our emotional and mental states will be. The more people we connect with, the higher the chances that we can help when someone talks about killing themselves. Our ability to listen and respond compassionately can save a life. Unconditionally loving someone that talks about suicide will give us the right mindset to be open to what they really need.
When we get to a place in our lives that robs us of all hope in our future, or takes away the one thing we have waited our whole life to get, those are the times we need most to reach out to anyone that will listen the way we need them to listen. If you have the courage to take your own life and leave hurt and pain in your wake, use that courage to share your story. Someone out there will hear it and want to help. Just keep sharing it until you find somebody that you connect with. Share it with that person. Sharing makes it better, believe me.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide please call: 911. Also, if this or any article I have written touches you and makes you want to talk, drop me a line and join the conversation.