Charity

What does it mean to give to charity? What about giving to someone you know or meet who has unfulfilled needs? Should you or shouldn’t you help those less fortunate than yourself? What can you give? Why might you choose to give?

Charity and giving comes in all shapes and sizes. You might know someone personally who could use a helping hand or a little kindness. Sometimes you identify with a situation of need that touches your heart and you want to help however you can. Other times it feels as though someone is just reaching for money or volunteers and you just don’t think they need them. Some people want to help those in third world countries who struggle to have clean water or decent health care. Still other people would rather care for the homeless or addicts in their home towns. Most of us find it harder to help those we know personally because we know something about their situation and, for a variety of reasons, feel unable or unwilling to help.

My Experience

One of the disagreements my ex-wife and I used to have was how to fulfil our desire and obligation to give to charity. She was often concerned about money, so she didn’t think we could afford to give much. She made up for that by helping with various functions or volunteer opportunities. I, on the other hand, value my own time and didn’t like how much of it volunteering required of me. I wanted to give money so I didn’t have to actively participate. Both of us wanted to help our community or the rest of the world, in various ways, but each of us had different ideas about what it should look like. The truth is, both of us helped in important ways.

Since she left, my kids grew up and moved out, and I lost my job, I’ve had a lot more free time and a limited budget so giving time lets me participate in my community. It’s also helped me to find and expand my comfort zone. It’s not always been a bed of roses, but I’ve learned what time and effort can do that no amount of money can ever replace. For one thing, the people I’ve gotten to interact with have given me some incredible memories. I’ve had the pleasure of working with some amazing people I wouldn’t have likely associated with socially or professionally simply because of differences in lifestyles.

Another thing I’ve tried to give more of is unconditional love. What that means to me is a few things. First of all, it means I don’t get to judge anyone for the decisions they make. There are many people I think should have said or done something differently to get the results they want, but I don’t know the story, hurt, or values behind their decisions, so judging them would only be selfish and inconsiderate. Unconditional love means I will allow them to make their own mistakes and help only when they ask for it. Second, when someone hurts me or those I love, unconditional love forces me to forgive them in order to feel the hurt, process those feelings, and move on. It doesn’t mean I should forget what they did or act like it never happened. It only means I take the steps I need to for my own healing and don’t let them dictate my feelings or actions by their actions. Lastly, loving those around me without judgement is an act of charity that doesn’t take time or money and can make a huge difference in someone’s life.

 

If this is you

Charity can give you the chance to make a difference in the world at large without being a millionaire or a celebrity. If you have enough money to make ends meet, consider what a small dent in your budget can do for someone who doesn’t have enough. Either through a non-profit organisation, or getting together with a few friends to help some local people. Both options have plenty of opportunity for volunteering possibilities as well if time is something you can spare a little of.

Don’t underestimate the positive power of loving kindness. A sincere smile at a stranger can change the course of their day and cause a ripple effect that could echo far beyond the people you meet. More importantly, though, is the power of helping the people you know out of personal trouble. Many of us turn a blind eye when someone we know is experiencing personal financial trouble. We find it easier to help someone we know with emotional issues than almost any other problem they may have. There is a good chance, however, you know someone who is short of money on a regular basis. Many of us find it much harder to help with financial problems, often because we see what causes the problem and how to fix it. We judge they have made mistakes and they must learn from those mistakes. What we don’t often consider is they might not see the same things we do and they may even know something we don’t. Either way, the mistakes we see might actually be the best those people are currently capable of and their financial situation can actually make it harder to deal with their own issues instead of teaching them to take responsibility for them.

Yet another situation we often overlook personally is helping people, especially children, who have limited physical or mental abilities. We often find it easier to help someone we don’t already know. Contributing time and money to the organisations that help people with disabilities is an important way to keep those groups helping people. For those of you who are able, though, personal interaction means so much more to these people and to the ones who care for them. Since so many of us have a hard time connecting with someone with special needs, often because they have specific ‘special needs’, most of these people lack the same kinds of personal friendships the rest of us have access to. Those of us who are able to spend quality time with someone who has disabilities can make a real difference. The love they have to share will be the purest you are likely to ever see.

 

If this is someone you know

Do you know someone who can’t make ends meet? What about a friend or family member who just can’t seem to get their shit together? How many people do you know personally who have utilised a public or non-profit agency to help themselves through a tough point in their life? When should we take responsibility for helping the people we know with the problems they can’t seem to solve on their own? How, when, and why should we help them? At what point do we need to distance ourselves from the people we know because they have become a negative drain on our resources? These are the questions all of us are faced with many times in our lives. We’ve all known someone who couldn’t pay their bills, had health issues they didn’t know how to handle, or lost their lust for life. How we deal with these situations is what defines our true character.

Most of us rely on old sayings and standardised attitudes to decide how to deal with these situations instead of really thinking about what each of us could personally do to help those we know and love out of a tough spot. Words like narcissist, lazy, selfish, or enabler usually serve to reinforce the negative self image of the person in need rather than forcing them to face their problems and deal with them. Instead of tagging then with a cliché stereotype and avoiding the real issues, try setting up appropriate boundaries to protect yourself and offering sincere help with the problems they can’t handle on their own. You’ll likely find the person/people you are helping will make practical progress. Better yet, you’ll probably help them see themselves as valuable human beings who have something to offer and that can set them up to start solving their own problems with solutions they can do themselves.

Charity isn’t something we should give to everyone all the time. There are circumstances when offering charity is not the best choice. One of these is when you don’t really understand the struggles of the people in need. If you don’t know what they need help with, you probably aren’t going to do much good helping them. Another scenario that could make charity inappropriate is when you lack the resources required. If you don’t have the time, money, or compassion needed to address the problem then giving those things might end up putting you into need of someone else’s charity.

What it means

Giving is one of the best ways to make our world a better place and increase the amount of happiness circulating our globe. It makes us feel good, and creates miracles that can’t happen on their own. It can, however, be confusing to know what and how to help others in our world of tightening limitations. The most basic ways to give are to help a friend in need. But don’t leave out the charities and non-profits in your area, they help the people who don’t have personal support groups.

I’d like to see us all reverse the trend toward helping strangers instead of those we know personally. No one has a better chance of helping someone out than the people who know something about his/her circumstances. If we helped out the people in our lives more often, the public and non-profit organisations would be needed less and could offer more personalised solutions to those they do help. Besides, you will never know how grateful someone can be until you help them push their lives in a positive direction.

If you have any questions about charity and giving, drop me a line and ask. I love the conversations.

Personal Energy

Personal energy is a commodity just like electricity or gasoline. It needs to be managed in much the same way. Sometimes it can be bought or sold. You may give or receive it as a gift. Personal energy is harder to measure. It takes an awareness of oneself that most people don’t have. Those who have that understanding of themselves will tell you that their energy levels become more manageable as they become more self aware.

I have discovered four kinds of personal energy within myself. This doesn’t mean there aren’t others or that my list is universal for all people. It’s my experience. They are: mental energy, emotional energy, physical energy, and social energy. Mental energy is my ability to focus or concentrate on something. I expend emotional energy to process my feelings and reactions to things. Physical energy is self explanatory, it’s the energy I use to make my body do things. Social is about community. It’s what connects me to others. I expend social energy to build, strengthen, and let go of connections to people.

My Experience

For most of my life, I believed I was broken because I couldn’t understand why sometimes I could do an activity for hours and other days I had virtually no interest in participating in it. Other times I would be invited to some kind of function, but the idea of going made me feel exhausted, yet I would often spend hours doing something else instead. When these things happened, it caused me to examine my motivations or believe there was something wrong with me. It almost always caused me and those around me to view me as selfish.

What I didn’t know is that my life contains various kinds of energy. Each one influences the others, but regenerating one does not increase the rest. Each needs to be nurtured and managed individually. I’ve tried for many years to heal my physical body. And at one point, I realized I needed to work on my mental health too. I didn’t learn how to improve both at the same time until very recently. When I did learn that us guys need to give as much attention to our mental health as our physical, I started to see that I had other kinds of energy that didn’t come under those two categories.

I first learned about social energy in a book about ADD. In it he talks about a person’s need for human interaction and relationships and how that leads many people to search for those things in some type of faith based life style. He says that social energy isn’t a mythical energy that originates from some mysterious deity or all powerful force, but it comes from within ourselves and from positive relationships. It’s the energy we use to decide when and how to interact with other people. We spend it on enriching the lives of those around us. Managing it is about learning to limit our interactions that consume our social energy, spending more time with others that feed and regenerate our energy, and being by ourselves to let it slowly regenerate on its own.

Emotional energy is one that I had a tough time believing in. Even once I was convinced of its authenticity, it took me too long to understand its relevance to my masculinity. I consume it by feeling both positive and negative emotions. I’ve discovered that my depression was a result of an empty tank of this kind energy. Emotional energy is the strangest of all the energy pools because it’s built by feeling emotions, but only by specific ones. Confidence in oneself is the easiest way to increase it. Forgiveness is another way to recover it. The only way I know of to increase your capacity for emotional energy is by loving others unconditionally. Loving others is one of the biggest uses of this energy, but loving someone unconditionally actually increases the size of the pool I can draw from.

Mental energy is one of the fastest growing areas of interest on my Facebook feed right now. A lot of people are learning for the first time that it is separate from physical energy and needs to be managed separately too. This is the brain power that contributes to many of us not being able to sleep at night even when we feel physically exhausted. If I haven’t done much that was mentally challenging that day, I might have a surplus when I try to sleep at night and brain wants to use some of it before it will let me go to sleep. At other times, I have used up my pool of mental energy when there is still a lot of day left. On those days, I like to go out and do something purely social and/or physical; dancing, wondering the mall, or walking my dog are all activities that use less of my mental energy.

Physical energy is one of the easiest for us guys to understand and manage. Not all of us know how to do those things though. Eating healthy and proper exercise are obvious to most of us. But regular checkups aren’t so easy to keep up with. Good rest is also important here. But so are limiting our exposure to addictive substances and practices. Most of us can agree that too much alcohol or street drugs will have harmful effects on our bodies. Did you know that food addictions or consistent use of pornography can too? There are a lot of things to keep in mind if we want to manage our physical energy.

The fun parts for me have been identifying situations that might need more than one kind of energy. Witty jokes require just the right mixture of mental and social energy. Sports use social and physical, sometime with some mental energy thrown into the mix. Sex uses the emotional and physical varieties. Family needs emotional and social. And the hardest for most of us, trying to stop being single uses both social and emotional energy topped off with a good helping of mental energy. I have decided to reserve that last activity for when I have learned to manage all my energy levels adequately.

A good, wholesome, restful sleep will regenerate all my energy pools. I have had 3 different naps while writing this article because I used up a lot of them last weekend. It’s taken me a few days to recover enough of it to finish this project. Now that I’m learning to understand my abilities and limitations surrounding my energy pools, I find my moods far easier to regulate.

If this is you

Maybe you are having difficulty trying to understand why you want to do things sometimes and other times just don’t feel like participating in those same experiences. Learning what kinds of energy you use and in what ways you use them will probably help you manage these things better and give you a greater sense of control in your life. You might have the same types of energy that I have, or you may have other ways to divvy up your pools of energy. The important part, though, is knowing that there are different pools of energy for doing different things in your life. Learn what yours are, and learn to manage them. When you do, you will find yourself better able to do the things you want and avoid the things that suck your energy dry.

If This is Someone You Know

You know that guy that you just can’t figure out what he likes and doesn’t like? There’s a good chance the same thing confuses and frustrates him too. Try understanding that he has different pools of energy to do different things. They might not be the same pools of energy that you see in your life. He might really like hanging out with you at the pool hall, but if he’s had very socially heavy day, he may not feel like it this time. Or maybe he has a pool of energy dedicated to drinking booze. If his boss or a client has just spent the whole day treating him to various fine restaurants and pubs, he may have used up his booze reserves. Whatever the situation, you don’t know what is in his head or how much of which types of energy he has left, so please be kind with your judgments. Hell, he might not even know he has pools of energy. To a lot of guys, the word energy means oil & gas or electricity. Just because he might not understand his own pools, does not mean that he doesn’t have them. In fact, it probably means he’s kind of crappy at managing them in the first place. Give him the space to say yes or no and let him know that either answer is OK. It’ll help him feel like his feelings or at least his decisions matter to you.

What is means

Personal energy comes in all shapes and sizes. It has all kinds of uses. Some of us know what ours are, but most of us don’t. Most guys I know understand the idea of personal energy, but would look at you as though you wore a pink elephant on your nose if you told them he could use one type energy instead of another one. Mine are physical, mental, social, and emotional. Some of you might find my types of energy make sense to you. If they help you understand yourself better and manage the things you want to do and limit the things you can’t do then your world will be a better place for it. The most useful this information has been for me is when I have to explain to someone why I can’t do something I have enjoyed in the past and might still enjoy. I tell them that I want to do those things but I have to manage that type of energy. When I figure out how to do that, I’ll probably return to those activities with gusto. I’m learning new ways of understanding my energy levels every day.

If this or any article on my blog hit a cord with you, drop me a line and join the conversation.

Love Is

So, here it is. Love is unconditional. Point blank and simple. No if’s, and’s or but’s. Love isn’t a commodity to be bought, sold, earned, lost, or found. That’s the reason it’s the one thing most of us crave more than anything else. It’s the single strongest attachment we have. It’s also the one thing we, as humans, have the hardest time understanding. It isn’t just that warm fuzzy feeling we get when a stranger smiles at us. It’s far more than that. What many of us don’t get is that love is active not simply a feeling in our hearts. It makes us whole.

Unconditional love is the hardest concept for many people to grasp. Some compare it to the love of their children. It doesn’t matter what mistakes our children make, most of us will love then till the day we die. Even if that means we have to love them from a distance to protect others around us from the hurt they can cause. But we always love them. Some compare it to the high school sweetheart that we can never quite forget. Even many years later, they still hold a special place in our heart. Still others might think of their grandparents and the years of commitment and happiness they represent for us. For some of us, unconditional love is an imaginary concept that only happens in fairy tails.

Some confuse love with trust, as though it can be betrayed or mishandled. Love doesn’t belong to the person you love. It belongs to the you. So, it’s up to you to show your love or keep it to yourself, regardless of how the one you love acts. Some might confuse love with respect, to be earned or lost based on a person’s worthiness to it. If you wait for someone to earn your love, I promise that you’ll be waiting a very long time. Even your soulmate will have had experiences different from yours that change how he or she shows love. Still others confuse love with devotion. Although similar, devotion is the act of dedicating oneself to the pleasure or needs of someone else. By that definition, some of us believe we are loved only when the person we love devotes themselves to us. Let me rephrase what I said earlier, the love someone has for you isn’t yours to own or dictate the terms. It belongs to the person that loves you. It is theirs to determine how to show it. These are some of the reasons love must be unconditional to truly be called love. Just because you don’t feel love from someone doesn’t mean that person doesn’t love you, so love them regardless of what you feel from them. Eventually you will both learn what love means to each other.

Love isn’t lust either. Some treat love as something they can own or maybe just rent. It’s true that some people use their money, fame or power to earn someone else’s love. While this does happen, it’s only love when those factors don’t influence the feelings. Someone with power, fame or money can increase their chances of meeting people and thereby raise the odds of finding that special someone, but love isn’t swayed by those things. Lust can be of course. Some people are turned on by many different things, but true love is between hearts. Some people pay for the experience of sex, thinking to fulfill a need for love, but it doesn’t provide the same satisfaction. Love simply can’t be owned or traded for.

Why do we feel a deep warming feeling when we hear “I love you” in a favorite movie or book? Because it means the character has finally ‘made it’. The hero ‘gets the girl’, the heroine ‘gets the guy’, the love interest comes to a happy ending. No matter what else happens in the story, for that moment, we feel that satisfying empathy for a love found. That’s because, subconsciously, we believe that love is an end of its own. The words “I love you” make us feel whole and complete. Deep down we feel love unconditionally, so hearing those words makes us believe the search is over.

“I love you, man!” Famous words of drunken buddies from all walks of life. It’s what one man says to another man when he believes he can say what he really feels without someone thinking he’s just being weird. Why don’t we say, “I respect you, man!” or “I like you, man!” or “You’re really strong!”? The truth is that some of us do say those things when we’re drunk. But the final stage when we really want our buddy to understand how important he is to us is “I love you, man!” That’s because, when we get so drunk that our last inhibitions have vaporized and we are most in touch with our truest feelings, the strongest feeling we can express is love. It’s not the same love we might have for our spouse, but it is just as strong, and it’s unconditional. An example of this kind of love: my best friend when I was much younger has slept with a girlfriend of mine while I was dating her as well as my wife while we were engaged, yet I still have to fight the urge to want to be around him still years later. I love him as much as I ever did. I don’t trust him, and I don’t like him very much, but I still crave his company and the memories we share are some of my fondest. Love is like that. No rhyme or reason, just unconditional.

I do believe in love at first sight, but most of the time what we feel ‘at first sight’ is simply an affirmation, maybe even an attraction. When someone smiles at us we might feel a connection with that person. If that person engages us in conversation, the connection grows. And if we manage to plan a future meeting, the connection becomes chemical. These connections are even stronger if that person fits into our idea of ‘attractive’. But don’t mistake these connections with love. Love is unconditional. Although you might feel like you would do anything for this person (that connection can be pretty strong), love goes much deeper. What if you or they are already committed to someone else? Would you throw away your existing connection to pursue a new one? What if you found out that they manipulated that connection to take advantage of you in some way? That’s the main tool of conmen. They create connections to get you to do things you normally wouldn’t do. It’s best to take it slow with those you’ve just met, love at first sight does happen, but since love is unconditional, it will outlast any time or obstacles put in its way.

Ok, so love is unconditional like the love of our children or the love we see in our grandparents. Love can’t be owned or traded. It isn’t trust or respect. It’s not lust for power, money or sex. So, what is it then? It’s that feeling we get when our favorite characters say or hear “I love you.” Love is that awkward, slightly embarrassing feeling when our wasted friend slurs “I love you, man!” It’s is the connection that stands the test of time. Love is unconditional.

If that’s all love was, we could simply sit back and soak up the warm fuzzies from the people around us. But love stirs us to action. It makes us want to do things to help those we feel that connection with. Love motivates us to do things outside our comfort zones. If Red Bull gives you wings, love gives you the courage to fly. That’s the difference between love and all those other motivations. Gaining power, money or fame only makes you want more. Finding love is truly fulfilling and satisfies our need for it.

If you want to share your love story or just ask someone for a second opinion, drop me a line. Join the conversation.